BEHIND THE MASK OF BEAUTY

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 Stir of Emotions
How are you to know
When enough is enough
When you can care again
When to truly accept their love

I think back on the pain
I've had to carry with me
Having to walk with my head down low
How they made me so unhappy

I was the one everyone looked at
It was me they began to judge
I was suddenly struck with so much hate
It was me they no longer loved

At such a very young age
I was forced to quickly grow
I was forced into adulthood
To learn things I shouldn't know

I was just a kid
Forced to see things I shouldn't see
Forced to do things I shouldn't do
And by my own family

Why did they pick me
Why is it me they hurt
Why did they decide to ruin my life
To treat me like dirt

I wanted to grow up
Like any normal kid in this world
I wanted to have fun
And be daddy's little girl

Instead daddy's brother hurt me
Daddy saw the pain I went through
Yet he didn't seem to care
Because he did it too

How could he watch me hurt
Hear me cry myself to sleep
And yet still have no heart
To cause more pain to me

How could my mom just listen
And not act upon it
How could she let him stay
And watch everyone treat me like sh*t

Can I really forgive them
Am I ready to heel that pain
They took away my childhood
With no reason to explain

In and out of courtrooms
I had no time to play
Instead I had to concentrate
On things I needed to say

I was always on that subject
I was not allowed a break
I was always asked to remember
Every detail of their mistake

Growing up through middle school
And some of high school too
I had no time for friends
My life was focused on the courtroom

I may have been young
But memories travel for years
Remembering how hurt I was
The pain behind my tears

How do you forgive someone
How do you again learn to love
When looking back on memories
Pain is all you can think of

You have no happy memories
They are all gone
All you know of them is pain
Because you'll haven't spoken in so long

There was also counseling
Which I didn't mind
I loved going to counseling
My counselor was oh so kind

I could be myself there
She was my new best friend
She would listen and respond
I felt so loved again

I needed that love
The love that was washed away
The love I hadn't felt for so long
Because of their mistake

My counselor was my guardian
My angel from above
She was my protector
Provided me with great love

I was told to lie to her
I was told exactly what to say
But once I was in her presence
Things went a different way

I knew she wouldn't hurt me
All she wanted to do was help
She helped me learn to trust
And believe in myself

I began to miss my counselor
She was my home away from home
Once our session ended
I always felt so alone

I would get blamed
Start getting pushed around
My parents say I'm a mistake
My brother starts putting me down

I would look at myself
And feel so ashamed
I started to believe
That I was the one to blame

I held in my anger
I had to keep my feelings inside
I was too afraid to let them go
So my feelings I was forced to hide

I began to trust no one
To hate myself so much
I was no longer happy
That's when I began to cut

No one seemed to love me
No one seemed to care
I figured they wouldn't notice it tomorrow
If I was not there

I'd finally be rid of my pain
They wouldn't have to worry anymore
They could go back to being happy
Like they were before

I was apparently a pain in their neck
That they wanted to get rid of
Some even said I was dead to them
How could they let go of that love

They are my family
They are supposed to always be there
When I turn family in for hurting me
It's like they no longer care

How is it that they cause the pain
Yet no one can plainly see
It is not them who is truly hurting
I'm the one with the pain in me

They still walk with a smile
Their head held up high
I walk around with no smile
And hide my face while I cry

They have no conscience
They have no heart at all
They make it seem like everything is okay
While I take the fall

I am told often
That what goes around comes around
One day they'll get what's coming to them
And their life will crumble down

I want to be there
Not to cause more pain in their life
But to help heel their pain
To be their shoulder when they cry

I miss them so much
Although they hurt me
I care for them with all my heart
They are still my family

But do they deserve my sympathy
To have me be there
Would that be my time to forgive
Should I really care

People get so angry
They say I need more time
But how are they to know
The choice is supposed to be mine

So the question remains
Should I forgive and forget
If they apologized for the pain they caused
Would I truly accept

Then again I think
What if that child was mine
If my kid was put through that pain
There would be no right time

                          By: Crystal Martinez






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