let us crack the whip
and start the things we have stopped
like how we were gonna change the world
and overthrown all forms of “the system”
me, with my search for the ideal notes
to string one after another on guitar
and my idea of substances (which has definitely changed now)
and here, as a real human being adult
not some creation I dreamed up and portrayed for so long
which burned me out and left me as
“one of those guys”, “back in the day”
and you, with all your patience and beauty
modestly waiting for the time you would
paint purple the sky
you left me breathless at every word
&
I can remember the exact day, time, and place
when and where the magic dissipated
I stared at myself in the mirror
saw what was really there
I could only turn to you
but your awkward glance
and soft lipped smile
knew the purple in your hair was
showing through at the roots
only you had the intelligence
to stop and presume
some decent form of existing
so you could hang out with “them”
while I chose to run it into the ground
long hair and starved frame
consuming women like
a thirsty man to water
and substances like rain
pouring it on strong
Dionysus, Alexander, Lady Godiva,
Shiva, Zeus
…making my stay in an unbalanced,
unnatural world I created
because it was what I thought I
“wanted”
watching my reality take control
and the years spin by
we lost touch
but I always felt you there
deep In my heart
job after job
I raised my voice in anger
and my fist prepared
to bring down anyone who would dare
to challenge my way of doing things
I wished you to return and comfort me
soothe away the wild lost demons
I wanted to release
but it seemed I continued to gather more
and you were nowhere in sight
not to say you would have known what to do
were you there anyhow
loud chords and distorted scales
burned from my fingertips
escaped my mind
as I would scream over the drums
chastising myself and my future life
something I had to do “for fun”
the insight from no sight
was all a bit much to me
gathering your letters
and realizing you were gone
from whatever dimension
I have trapped myself into, upon
I let them go, a cleansing
I threw away the best words ever written to me
now I long for something I will
never have
as I drag on these days that
make me a rebel and outsider
I just wanted to fit in
knowing everything I do makes me
fit out
the years taking their toll
the added weight
and loss of sleep
calling for more sleep
the wasted nights
one nights
that all turn out to be
my life
all those
one nights
that make up
my life
I move on
blissful but tearful
for the way I see our world spinning
spinning
spinning out of
control
I wanted control
the wars
the anger
the unknowing newborns
of what they would be programmed
to do
and those who break the mold
but get lost in the shuffle
the city of angels
turning its bright and beautiful light
off
as the last sunset in a sacred time
drew an end to all my happiness
and brought about
a stranger,
more brutal time
one that I could do without
WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
Did I really lose my soul?
Or is it the soulless around
me
that cause this great divide?
I run into you
surprising and overshadowed
I never told you the truth
your beauty still flowing
even though
your natural color in your hair now
and working class apparel
try to hide you in with “them”
I know who you really are
and you say you usually never knew
what I was talking about
but that's fine,
we always hung out
me and my metaphorical mind
wanting that pictured to be painted
perfectly
everytime
and I am sure I know why perfection was my goal back then…
a subject left for another time
and a reasoning I will shake my fists at
the sky
and ask
God about…
somehow even though
we never made love
I feel as though I connected
with a real person
such a beautiful
innocent, pure heart
but “they” have a way
of changing all that
I look now were I stand
creations domination
over man
because of much more true beauty
overlooking a scene
much like that
of which J. R. R. Tolken dreamed
this amazing piece of Germany
and I know I am not the same
but I know I have much to say
and I wonder if I will ever…
night is coming so early now
I know my heart
and I wonder
Will all these dreams ever be reality?
I see my fears
I see my whole life
differently
now, somehow
So where to go from here?
maybe the mantra
of some long lost existence
will rear it's slumbering head
and drag out of me the strength
I need
and spill out upon this world
so we can have one more go ‘round
of something much better
than
ghetto sounds
defiant nations
and murderous alchemy
breeding the sins to seal the fate
of this generation
here above the world I know
another country ago
I see
and I plead
I've been looking around
I've been chasing the sound
but for some reason it evades me
so if I ‘m down
and you're around
pick me up please, I really need you
it's not black and white
for some reason what I write
could be misleading
just understand I am
a man
with heart in hand
(or worn upon my sleeve)
and a good one is few
and farther between
maybe I don't register on that
silver screen
but take me now
into your heart
for I am the one who isn't
alarmed
by your secrets
shown in the moonlight
and now it is the time
for me to slip away
and reflect on what I did
all those powerful dreams
of me changing the “scene”
and the scene is what I left
now what is left
but returning to you
hoping for open arms
praying I will not fall again
screaming through my loneliness
even when I am amongst friends
Where is it
that I go every time?
hopefully the answers are
soon to find…
