Climb the highest mountain, punch the face of god
I used to write love letters to you and now I just write suicide notes to myself
Someplace, somewhere, there is a heart black with attack and neglect.
Sad to say that I think it might be my own. With too much thought I
Bury myself in a blurry-vision-world that I have created with all the
Elements of my flailing education. Where and when my heart breaks
A drop of sadness, I couldn't inform you. I couldn't take you from
The comfort of your lifestyle, the happy you surround yourself with,
I wouldn't want to be the one to bring that all crashing down around
You. I don't want to hurt you, not always, I only think I do and then
I do something remarkable, like love you. I can always close my eyes
And pretend it never happened but, I can never take back the already
Spoken words. The journey from my heart to yours, in a hailstorm of
What-ifs and self doubts and denials. I cannot let you love everything
About me, as that's not so wise a decision for I to allow you. Because
When you found certain other things out, I would die a small, but very
Crucial death if I have to witness the back of you disappear out that
Door and into a world that I don't languish in. While you push and
Push to find yourself a little place called “Your Own” in my world, I
Am busy studying up on ways to keep you out. Locked doors, electric
Fences and guard dogs might not keep you away but surely a girl as
Cold as I can be might. Because if I had to tell you the truth, and if I
Had to look you in the eyes, while you are piercing me with the look,
I don't know if I would want to continue my life on earth. Don't you
Think God would be a little p!ssed off if my death was self-provided,
And done out of love, or the sudden lack thereof? Don't you think I
Haven't thought this through a million times? I've always wanted to
Kill myself but not over some person because I don't know if there is
One person out there who is worth ending my spark. I'll dwell in my
Depression for now and if you choose to care, know that I will be so
Thankful and pleased, because I feel like I haven't been cared for in
So long. Far be it for I to decide suddenly that you are crazy; after
All, the heart wants what it wants and goes to brutal lengths just to
Get it. And hey, maybe a heart attack is just a broken heart that can
Be fixed, and maybe suicide is a way out, and perhaps, just perhaps,
A brain contusion isn't such a bad thing anyway. If you come out all
Right, you come out all right. But let's not put medical terms towards
Our ailing feelings. Let's just remain face to face, because I haven't
Yet outlined the contours of your magnificence and to me right now,
You are like a god. Now, I'm polytheistic. My God's are many and
Why not throw someone as menial as you in that mix. You used to
Believe so wholeheartedly that we are all a spark of something larger,
Now you just believe in silence, as if that could speak louder than
I ever could. It can, because it deafens me while I sit in the harshening
Blackness of the illnesses that plague the emotions. Now that I have
Given it a length grain of thought, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to
Have you as an ally, but certainly not my partner. Could I use you
And throw you out? Do I possess that kind of habits? I could never
Allow you to consume the whole of me, though you think that you can.
My heart is not equipped to be so angered. My soul does not have that
Darkness in it. And yet when I speak to you, I know that I am darker
Than your midnight and it draws you close, for intrigue, and then it is
Only moments, countless, precious moments before you pull yourself
As far away as absence, so I see it could only be a game between the
Two of us. I'm no child; I'm through with games. While I struggle to
Give myself a title, to give myself a name, to label myself just like our
Society tells us to, I watch you watching me, watching my arms and
The scars that surely will follow. My whole life is shameful. Please
Save yourself the trouble of discovering my unknown, just run away
Now, because all we live in is a time of being too late. And you were
Too late several years ago, so why enhance change if it's not needed?
Like the sleep that cradles itself in the corner of my eyes, so comes
The steady flush of tears that stream down faster than the rains of
Yesterday. You spit “I love you's” at me like vomit and I catch every
Word on my tongue, swallow it down and regurgitate it back to you.
But by then you've already walked away from me. No warmth, not
Even a goodbye. Just the passing of air in my lungs, the silence, and
Of course, the crucifixion of the silence by the glass-like shatter of
An already broken heart. Isn't nice to see a plan come together after
Someone's careful planning? It always pays off, but in a weird way.
While we are no sybarites, we enjoy the luxury of each other's tears,
The sound of wailing and crying in the night, the smell of sadness and
Desolation and the feel of someone who understands the bitter taste of
Terror after a night of praying for the mental anguish to come to an end.
Who knew the flavor of human companionship left such an aftertaste?
Well, I do think we are done here, what about you? Is there any ounce
Of scorn I can take off your back, and replace it with that chip on your
Shoulder? I think I shall mourn you when you leave my side and go
To become one of the beautiful people. And now, you know too much.
The one drawback of this is that you have left me with too much nothing.
January 27, 2006
Suge
Sad to say that I think it might be my own. With too much thought I
Bury myself in a blurry-vision-world that I have created with all the
Elements of my flailing education. Where and when my heart breaks
A drop of sadness, I couldn't inform you. I couldn't take you from
The comfort of your lifestyle, the happy you surround yourself with,
I wouldn't want to be the one to bring that all crashing down around
You. I don't want to hurt you, not always, I only think I do and then
I do something remarkable, like love you. I can always close my eyes
And pretend it never happened but, I can never take back the already
Spoken words. The journey from my heart to yours, in a hailstorm of
What-ifs and self doubts and denials. I cannot let you love everything
About me, as that's not so wise a decision for I to allow you. Because
When you found certain other things out, I would die a small, but very
Crucial death if I have to witness the back of you disappear out that
Door and into a world that I don't languish in. While you push and
Push to find yourself a little place called “Your Own” in my world, I
Am busy studying up on ways to keep you out. Locked doors, electric
Fences and guard dogs might not keep you away but surely a girl as
Cold as I can be might. Because if I had to tell you the truth, and if I
Had to look you in the eyes, while you are piercing me with the look,
I don't know if I would want to continue my life on earth. Don't you
Think God would be a little p!ssed off if my death was self-provided,
And done out of love, or the sudden lack thereof? Don't you think I
Haven't thought this through a million times? I've always wanted to
Kill myself but not over some person because I don't know if there is
One person out there who is worth ending my spark. I'll dwell in my
Depression for now and if you choose to care, know that I will be so
Thankful and pleased, because I feel like I haven't been cared for in
So long. Far be it for I to decide suddenly that you are crazy; after
All, the heart wants what it wants and goes to brutal lengths just to
Get it. And hey, maybe a heart attack is just a broken heart that can
Be fixed, and maybe suicide is a way out, and perhaps, just perhaps,
A brain contusion isn't such a bad thing anyway. If you come out all
Right, you come out all right. But let's not put medical terms towards
Our ailing feelings. Let's just remain face to face, because I haven't
Yet outlined the contours of your magnificence and to me right now,
You are like a god. Now, I'm polytheistic. My God's are many and
Why not throw someone as menial as you in that mix. You used to
Believe so wholeheartedly that we are all a spark of something larger,
Now you just believe in silence, as if that could speak louder than
I ever could. It can, because it deafens me while I sit in the harshening
Blackness of the illnesses that plague the emotions. Now that I have
Given it a length grain of thought, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to
Have you as an ally, but certainly not my partner. Could I use you
And throw you out? Do I possess that kind of habits? I could never
Allow you to consume the whole of me, though you think that you can.
My heart is not equipped to be so angered. My soul does not have that
Darkness in it. And yet when I speak to you, I know that I am darker
Than your midnight and it draws you close, for intrigue, and then it is
Only moments, countless, precious moments before you pull yourself
As far away as absence, so I see it could only be a game between the
Two of us. I'm no child; I'm through with games. While I struggle to
Give myself a title, to give myself a name, to label myself just like our
Society tells us to, I watch you watching me, watching my arms and
The scars that surely will follow. My whole life is shameful. Please
Save yourself the trouble of discovering my unknown, just run away
Now, because all we live in is a time of being too late. And you were
Too late several years ago, so why enhance change if it's not needed?
Like the sleep that cradles itself in the corner of my eyes, so comes
The steady flush of tears that stream down faster than the rains of
Yesterday. You spit “I love you's” at me like vomit and I catch every
Word on my tongue, swallow it down and regurgitate it back to you.
But by then you've already walked away from me. No warmth, not
Even a goodbye. Just the passing of air in my lungs, the silence, and
Of course, the crucifixion of the silence by the glass-like shatter of
An already broken heart. Isn't nice to see a plan come together after
Someone's careful planning? It always pays off, but in a weird way.
While we are no sybarites, we enjoy the luxury of each other's tears,
The sound of wailing and crying in the night, the smell of sadness and
Desolation and the feel of someone who understands the bitter taste of
Terror after a night of praying for the mental anguish to come to an end.
Who knew the flavor of human companionship left such an aftertaste?
Well, I do think we are done here, what about you? Is there any ounce
Of scorn I can take off your back, and replace it with that chip on your
Shoulder? I think I shall mourn you when you leave my side and go
To become one of the beautiful people. And now, you know too much.
The one drawback of this is that you have left me with too much nothing.
January 27, 2006
Suge
Comment On This Poem --- Vote for this poem
I used to write love letters to you and now I just write suicide notes to myself
I used to write love letters to you and now I just write suicide notes to myself