Climb the highest mountain, punch the face of god
The next time I go spiraling towards the loud noise known as life, please don't attempt to catch me
I've really had to watch myself with what I say these days,
You might catch me in my stages of reminiscence, and then
I would have to tell you what has been bothering me, but you
Have always known my troubles. You have always had the
Incentive to find out, yet you still will not ask any questions,
You will not probe and find out why I cut lines upon my arms,
You will never ask how I got that scar, or that scar, or that one,
And you will, by no means, investigate my random flood of tears.
So instead of just tell you and confide in you like a one friend
Does to another, I'll just hide, silently behind a face of dark black
Eyeliner, mascara, red lipstick and lies. If I am so decipherable,
Then will you please tell me what the f--k is wrong with me?
If it's that obvious then I should be clued in. I should be informed.
Things were so much easier when I was clueless. Things were
So much better back when I never got a paycheck, before I had
Progressed to such a level. Now all I get to hear is how lucky
I am when I feel as though I'm doomed. Everyone is so proud
Of me now that I do something for a better portion of the day
But back when I laid in a deep cover of dejection, everyone
Just couldn't stand me and seldom talked to me and just left me
To my own demise. No one asked or cared, and now that money
Is flowing, I am better than I was, well, let me clue you in now.
I'm not motivated by money, I don't come with a price, I am a
F---ing person, as I have always been. There is no tag telling
You how much I cost, you cannot bribe me and make monetary
Promises towards me because I am unlike them; I do not operate
On their terms, in their way, I am for the first time in this family
Doing things my own way, without the influence of someone
Else hovering over my shoulder, telling me their way is easier
And better. I do not need money to be happy, of course, I don't
Know what I need to be happy but let that journey be my own. I
Can figure it out by myself and maybe with some therapy. When
I discover a part of me I never knew, I'll get back to you on the
Process of how I'm turning out, but don't sit there and glower
At me because I didn't do the things you wanted to and I didn't
Go the way you wanted me to. Don't be p!ssed because I want
To move in a direction far from you, and don't hate me for being
A bit more efficient in my life. Even if I needed your help, I doubt
I could ask for it or want to ask for it. You just think I work like
My siblings. Sister may have inherited what you are and Brother
May always struggle against it and find another way while trying
Out snippets of your ideals, but I have strayed so far off the beaten
Path that I don't know where I am and hence, I will not play puppet
To the thoughts you have towards where my life should go. Who says
It even has to go anywhere? My life could hit the dead end at the
Corner and that would be the end of it. My life might keel over and
Rot in a grave, my life could disease itself, my life could end now.
And I think about that a lot now, dying, especially working near
Where they hold the funerals. Why them not me, if they had so
Much to offer and I nothing to offer but terminology. All I've ever
Been, aside from mystified and disheartened, was a writer, and
If you don't see the stack of journals in the middle of the floor
That explain the past nine or so years of my life, then it must be
You who has trouble seeing the obvious. It must be you who must
Take off the blinders and take a glance at everything. You say you
Know me, but you say it like it's a bad thing; you say it with an
Element of shame. Well the black sheep rises again! I cannot always
Apologize especially since I didn't know I had done any wrong.
I'm in a bad way mom, I just keep spiraling, and spiraling and it
Never ends. I shiver a lot, I'm always cold, my heart always races,
And my mind is always fixated with suicide. I'm in a bad way, mom.
February 2, 2006
Suge
You might catch me in my stages of reminiscence, and then
I would have to tell you what has been bothering me, but you
Have always known my troubles. You have always had the
Incentive to find out, yet you still will not ask any questions,
You will not probe and find out why I cut lines upon my arms,
You will never ask how I got that scar, or that scar, or that one,
And you will, by no means, investigate my random flood of tears.
So instead of just tell you and confide in you like a one friend
Does to another, I'll just hide, silently behind a face of dark black
Eyeliner, mascara, red lipstick and lies. If I am so decipherable,
Then will you please tell me what the f--k is wrong with me?
If it's that obvious then I should be clued in. I should be informed.
Things were so much easier when I was clueless. Things were
So much better back when I never got a paycheck, before I had
Progressed to such a level. Now all I get to hear is how lucky
I am when I feel as though I'm doomed. Everyone is so proud
Of me now that I do something for a better portion of the day
But back when I laid in a deep cover of dejection, everyone
Just couldn't stand me and seldom talked to me and just left me
To my own demise. No one asked or cared, and now that money
Is flowing, I am better than I was, well, let me clue you in now.
I'm not motivated by money, I don't come with a price, I am a
F---ing person, as I have always been. There is no tag telling
You how much I cost, you cannot bribe me and make monetary
Promises towards me because I am unlike them; I do not operate
On their terms, in their way, I am for the first time in this family
Doing things my own way, without the influence of someone
Else hovering over my shoulder, telling me their way is easier
And better. I do not need money to be happy, of course, I don't
Know what I need to be happy but let that journey be my own. I
Can figure it out by myself and maybe with some therapy. When
I discover a part of me I never knew, I'll get back to you on the
Process of how I'm turning out, but don't sit there and glower
At me because I didn't do the things you wanted to and I didn't
Go the way you wanted me to. Don't be p!ssed because I want
To move in a direction far from you, and don't hate me for being
A bit more efficient in my life. Even if I needed your help, I doubt
I could ask for it or want to ask for it. You just think I work like
My siblings. Sister may have inherited what you are and Brother
May always struggle against it and find another way while trying
Out snippets of your ideals, but I have strayed so far off the beaten
Path that I don't know where I am and hence, I will not play puppet
To the thoughts you have towards where my life should go. Who says
It even has to go anywhere? My life could hit the dead end at the
Corner and that would be the end of it. My life might keel over and
Rot in a grave, my life could disease itself, my life could end now.
And I think about that a lot now, dying, especially working near
Where they hold the funerals. Why them not me, if they had so
Much to offer and I nothing to offer but terminology. All I've ever
Been, aside from mystified and disheartened, was a writer, and
If you don't see the stack of journals in the middle of the floor
That explain the past nine or so years of my life, then it must be
You who has trouble seeing the obvious. It must be you who must
Take off the blinders and take a glance at everything. You say you
Know me, but you say it like it's a bad thing; you say it with an
Element of shame. Well the black sheep rises again! I cannot always
Apologize especially since I didn't know I had done any wrong.
I'm in a bad way mom, I just keep spiraling, and spiraling and it
Never ends. I shiver a lot, I'm always cold, my heart always races,
And my mind is always fixated with suicide. I'm in a bad way, mom.
February 2, 2006
Suge
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The next time I go spiraling towards the loud noise known as life, please don`t attempt to catch me
The next time I go spiraling towards the loud noise known as life, please don`t attempt to catch me
