Dark Poetry From A Twisted Mind
Just Like Old Times
I was driving in my brand new Mustang convertible the other day. Savoring the clean spring air, smelling the lilacs in bloom alongside the road.
I was kind of thinking about a bright yellow postcard I'd gotten in the mail a few days back. My old high school class was having a 10-year reunion. Hard to believe it'd been that long ago.
Things hadn't changed a whole lot since then, I guessed. I was just me. But I'd put on quite a bit of weight after having the twins. I would've liked to have lost it back, but who had time?
I was working two jobs, going to school, and trying to raise Tyler and T.J. on my own. Their dad had hit the road a couple weeks after he found out I was pregnant. At first he said it was okay, but then he decided it was "too much to handle." So he fled the state, and last I heard he had some other girl knocked up and was living with her. Sponging of off her like some guys like to do.
I was driving along, looking at the blue, blue sky, listening to an old song from when I was thinner and prettier. Singing along and I closed my eyes ~ just for a split second ~ when Bump!
I looked behind me, and there was this guy in a car just like mine but a year older. He wasn't especially good looking. Just kind of a nice looking guy, with your average short brown hair. He was in a baggy pair of jeans and a big black and green flannel shirt.
He got out of his car and came up to my window, which I rolled down.
"Oh my god," he said. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, it's okay," I said. "I don't think you hit me too hard."
I got out of my car, and we looked at the damage together.
"It's not really that bad," I said.
"No, but I feel bad about it," he replied.
"You could make it up to me," I said with a wink.
He smiled sheepishly. "How's that?" he asked.
"Do you wanna go out for coffee some time?"
He kind of laughed a little, like no one had ever asked him out for coffee before.
"Sure," he said.
"How about now?" I said. "It's early, yet. The kids are still in school. Have you heard of a little coffee house called Ruby's?"
"Yeah," he said. "I pass by it all the time on my way to work."
"Cool," I said. "So uh, where do you work?"
"I work for K.C.'s Construction," he said. "I lay brick."
"What a cool job!" I said. "I used to think I wanted to work in construction. You know, be the only girl on the job site with a whole bunch of hunky guys."
"So what changed your mind?" he asked.
"I don't know. Guess I thought I was supposed to grow up and be a lady. You can't be a tomboy your whole life, you know."
"You can say that again," he said quietly.
"So you wanna meet me there?'
"Sure," he said. "Right now?"
"Hell yeah," I said. "No better time than the present."
We didn't even call the cops. The damage was so minor; there was no sense in making a big deal about it.
The guy was kind of cuter than I'd thought at first. There was something about his eyes ~ but I couldn't place what it was. Something familiar about them.
I let him pass me in his car, hoping to avoid being hit again ~ but a little thankful for it happening in the first place.
We pulled up to Ruby's a couple of minutes later.
"Hey, Ruby," I said with a big smile on my face.
"Hey, Beth. How's it going?"
"Good," I said. "This is my new friend ~ uh, God, we didn't even introduce ourselves. What's your name?"
"Scott," he said. It seemed like maybe he had started to say something else first, like he maybe stuttered a little. "Scott Walker."
Walker, huh? Hmm… that sounded really familiar. But Scott? That didn't sound right, somehow.
Ruby took our order, and when she left, I looked at Scott a little closer than before.
"So, Scott," I said, "this probably sounds like some kind of pick-up line, but I would swear I've seen you somewhere before."
His eyes were so green ~ this really beautiful olive green that you don't see every day. There was some kind of depth to them like I'd never seen before. Some kind of loneliness, or sadness lay underneath. And yet he was smiling. Just this sweet, pleasant smile.
"Can I confide in you?" he asked.
I started to say something, and then he kind of stuttered again.
"Not everyone can handle this. It's uh, kind of a secret," he said. "If you don't want to know, we can just skip it."
"Oh my god!" I said. "We've just met, and you're about to confide in me? That's so cool! What could be such a deep dark secret?"
He chuckled, but his eyes had a serious look in them.
He took my hand in one of his and lowered his voice.
With his other hand, he removed a bright yellow postcard from his shirt pocket. He handed it to me.
"Wow! So you went to Snyder High School too?" I said, a little surprised. "But there were only a hundred people in my graduating class. I don't remember you." I looked at him quizzically.
He squeezed my hand and looked deep into my eyes. "You're Bethany Cosgrove," he whispered. There was no question in his voice. I felt like I should be afraid. But I wasn't. I felt like I could trust him completely.
"Beth," he said. "You like to be called Beth." I just looked at him, dumbfounded. "You were always too much of a tomboy to be called Bethany. You said it was too prissy."
I tightened my grip on his hand a little. The voice sounded familiar. It was different, but had a similar musical quality to something I'd heard so long ago. It was starting to come back to me.
Walker… Walker… It had been so long.
He flipped the postcard over, to the side with his name and address on it. Only it wasn't his name. It didn't say Scott.
"Lindsay!" I whispered almost too loudly. "Lindsay Walker!"
I thought of all the times I'd passed Lindsay in the hallways at school. How she'd loved all kinds of sports. She'd played basketball and football and wrestled with the boys. She'd been notorious for beating up boys in grade school. She'd always been a tomboy like me ~ but much more so.
And that sad look had always been in her eyes. A few times, she'd looked at me like she wanted to say something, and just walked away. I never understood until now.
"I know this is probably really awkward for you," said Scott. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way."
"Scott," I said. I could barely say the word. I was at a loss for what to say next. "You must have been so lost" was all I could manage to say.
He looked intently at me. I said, "It's like you've changed so much. And yet this must've been how you always were."
He smiled. I thought I heard him sigh with relief.
"It was like you had so much in common with me, but we never really spoke. Never got to know each other. I wanted to hang out with you ~ to hang out with you and the guys. Go to the football games, you know. Just hang out."
He looked at me, and something came over his face. This look. The same look he'd had on his face all those years we'd been in school together.
"Beth," he said. "Can I tell you something else? At the risk of losing everything?"
"Sure," I said.
"I couldn't speak. Every time I saw you, I froze up. I was so shy. And so awkward. I was a guy, and yet everyone thought I was just this butch girl. I couldn't tell you. I wanted to tell you so bad it was killing me. But I couldn't tell anyone in the world."
He brushed back a tear. "Here was this beautiful girl who liked all the same things I did. But I was in the wrong body. And I couldn't say a damned word."
I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I took his other hand in mine, and we held both hands together.
"Scott, I felt the same way. All those years, there was something about you. I thought I must be gay or something. There was just something about you. Like you were ‘the one.' But I knew you couldn't be. You were a girl."
I brushed away a tear too. "And yet there was something I knew you wanted to tell me. I think that deep down inside, I knew what it was. Maybe I was waiting for you to tell me."
He got up from the booth and came over to sit beside me. We held each other for the longest time. It was like everything that had been missing from my life had come together. All the broken pieces had magically glued themselves together for the first time in my life.
"I don't know if I should go to the reunion or not," he said. "I don't know if all our old friends are ready for this."
"Go with me," I said. "It'll be like old times. But better."
He kissed my cheek and looked into my eyes. The sadness was still there, but time would heal that. He was all I'd ever wanted.
"So what kind of kids do you have?" he asked, with a little smile.
"Two boys," I said. "T.J. and Tyler."
"Do they like sports?" he asked.
"They love ‘em," I said. "They both play t-ball."
"Great!" he said. "Bring ‘em over Saturday and we can have a picnic and play ball!"
I laughed. Out of relief, I guess. I was so glad he liked kids. And so glad that he would spend time with us. This was the best day of my life. The most perfect turning point.
copyright 2006, 2018
By Insomnia
I was kind of thinking about a bright yellow postcard I'd gotten in the mail a few days back. My old high school class was having a 10-year reunion. Hard to believe it'd been that long ago.
Things hadn't changed a whole lot since then, I guessed. I was just me. But I'd put on quite a bit of weight after having the twins. I would've liked to have lost it back, but who had time?
I was working two jobs, going to school, and trying to raise Tyler and T.J. on my own. Their dad had hit the road a couple weeks after he found out I was pregnant. At first he said it was okay, but then he decided it was "too much to handle." So he fled the state, and last I heard he had some other girl knocked up and was living with her. Sponging of off her like some guys like to do.
I was driving along, looking at the blue, blue sky, listening to an old song from when I was thinner and prettier. Singing along and I closed my eyes ~ just for a split second ~ when Bump!
I looked behind me, and there was this guy in a car just like mine but a year older. He wasn't especially good looking. Just kind of a nice looking guy, with your average short brown hair. He was in a baggy pair of jeans and a big black and green flannel shirt.
He got out of his car and came up to my window, which I rolled down.
"Oh my god," he said. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, it's okay," I said. "I don't think you hit me too hard."
I got out of my car, and we looked at the damage together.
"It's not really that bad," I said.
"No, but I feel bad about it," he replied.
"You could make it up to me," I said with a wink.
He smiled sheepishly. "How's that?" he asked.
"Do you wanna go out for coffee some time?"
He kind of laughed a little, like no one had ever asked him out for coffee before.
"Sure," he said.
"How about now?" I said. "It's early, yet. The kids are still in school. Have you heard of a little coffee house called Ruby's?"
"Yeah," he said. "I pass by it all the time on my way to work."
"Cool," I said. "So uh, where do you work?"
"I work for K.C.'s Construction," he said. "I lay brick."
"What a cool job!" I said. "I used to think I wanted to work in construction. You know, be the only girl on the job site with a whole bunch of hunky guys."
"So what changed your mind?" he asked.
"I don't know. Guess I thought I was supposed to grow up and be a lady. You can't be a tomboy your whole life, you know."
"You can say that again," he said quietly.
"So you wanna meet me there?'
"Sure," he said. "Right now?"
"Hell yeah," I said. "No better time than the present."
We didn't even call the cops. The damage was so minor; there was no sense in making a big deal about it.
The guy was kind of cuter than I'd thought at first. There was something about his eyes ~ but I couldn't place what it was. Something familiar about them.
I let him pass me in his car, hoping to avoid being hit again ~ but a little thankful for it happening in the first place.
We pulled up to Ruby's a couple of minutes later.
"Hey, Ruby," I said with a big smile on my face.
"Hey, Beth. How's it going?"
"Good," I said. "This is my new friend ~ uh, God, we didn't even introduce ourselves. What's your name?"
"Scott," he said. It seemed like maybe he had started to say something else first, like he maybe stuttered a little. "Scott Walker."
Walker, huh? Hmm… that sounded really familiar. But Scott? That didn't sound right, somehow.
Ruby took our order, and when she left, I looked at Scott a little closer than before.
"So, Scott," I said, "this probably sounds like some kind of pick-up line, but I would swear I've seen you somewhere before."
His eyes were so green ~ this really beautiful olive green that you don't see every day. There was some kind of depth to them like I'd never seen before. Some kind of loneliness, or sadness lay underneath. And yet he was smiling. Just this sweet, pleasant smile.
"Can I confide in you?" he asked.
I started to say something, and then he kind of stuttered again.
"Not everyone can handle this. It's uh, kind of a secret," he said. "If you don't want to know, we can just skip it."
"Oh my god!" I said. "We've just met, and you're about to confide in me? That's so cool! What could be such a deep dark secret?"
He chuckled, but his eyes had a serious look in them.
He took my hand in one of his and lowered his voice.
With his other hand, he removed a bright yellow postcard from his shirt pocket. He handed it to me.
"Wow! So you went to Snyder High School too?" I said, a little surprised. "But there were only a hundred people in my graduating class. I don't remember you." I looked at him quizzically.
He squeezed my hand and looked deep into my eyes. "You're Bethany Cosgrove," he whispered. There was no question in his voice. I felt like I should be afraid. But I wasn't. I felt like I could trust him completely.
"Beth," he said. "You like to be called Beth." I just looked at him, dumbfounded. "You were always too much of a tomboy to be called Bethany. You said it was too prissy."
I tightened my grip on his hand a little. The voice sounded familiar. It was different, but had a similar musical quality to something I'd heard so long ago. It was starting to come back to me.
Walker… Walker… It had been so long.
He flipped the postcard over, to the side with his name and address on it. Only it wasn't his name. It didn't say Scott.
"Lindsay!" I whispered almost too loudly. "Lindsay Walker!"
I thought of all the times I'd passed Lindsay in the hallways at school. How she'd loved all kinds of sports. She'd played basketball and football and wrestled with the boys. She'd been notorious for beating up boys in grade school. She'd always been a tomboy like me ~ but much more so.
And that sad look had always been in her eyes. A few times, she'd looked at me like she wanted to say something, and just walked away. I never understood until now.
"I know this is probably really awkward for you," said Scott. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way."
"Scott," I said. I could barely say the word. I was at a loss for what to say next. "You must have been so lost" was all I could manage to say.
He looked intently at me. I said, "It's like you've changed so much. And yet this must've been how you always were."
He smiled. I thought I heard him sigh with relief.
"It was like you had so much in common with me, but we never really spoke. Never got to know each other. I wanted to hang out with you ~ to hang out with you and the guys. Go to the football games, you know. Just hang out."
He looked at me, and something came over his face. This look. The same look he'd had on his face all those years we'd been in school together.
"Beth," he said. "Can I tell you something else? At the risk of losing everything?"
"Sure," I said.
"I couldn't speak. Every time I saw you, I froze up. I was so shy. And so awkward. I was a guy, and yet everyone thought I was just this butch girl. I couldn't tell you. I wanted to tell you so bad it was killing me. But I couldn't tell anyone in the world."
He brushed back a tear. "Here was this beautiful girl who liked all the same things I did. But I was in the wrong body. And I couldn't say a damned word."
I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I took his other hand in mine, and we held both hands together.
"Scott, I felt the same way. All those years, there was something about you. I thought I must be gay or something. There was just something about you. Like you were ‘the one.' But I knew you couldn't be. You were a girl."
I brushed away a tear too. "And yet there was something I knew you wanted to tell me. I think that deep down inside, I knew what it was. Maybe I was waiting for you to tell me."
He got up from the booth and came over to sit beside me. We held each other for the longest time. It was like everything that had been missing from my life had come together. All the broken pieces had magically glued themselves together for the first time in my life.
"I don't know if I should go to the reunion or not," he said. "I don't know if all our old friends are ready for this."
"Go with me," I said. "It'll be like old times. But better."
He kissed my cheek and looked into my eyes. The sadness was still there, but time would heal that. He was all I'd ever wanted.
"So what kind of kids do you have?" he asked, with a little smile.
"Two boys," I said. "T.J. and Tyler."
"Do they like sports?" he asked.
"They love ‘em," I said. "They both play t-ball."
"Great!" he said. "Bring ‘em over Saturday and we can have a picnic and play ball!"
I laughed. Out of relief, I guess. I was so glad he liked kids. And so glad that he would spend time with us. This was the best day of my life. The most perfect turning point.
copyright 2006, 2018
By Insomnia
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Just Like Old Times
Just Like Old Times
