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 Conversations with Shehe


Channels, Voices, and Dreams, Oh my!

I tried
I really, really tried
Make it quiet!  Make it stop! Who am I arguing with?
There is no one else in here but me,
I'll negotiate with the other voices
I'll control
I'll bargain myself into silence
I'll beat myself into silence.
Make me stop
Make them stop
Them IS me…

I remember watching Gollum
I remember his conversation
The one where Smegal and Gollum
Go at it back and forth
They argue
And then Smegal thinks he's won
Tricksy he is
Lie low he does
Till he knows
When the glamour wears off
He can return
With a vengeance

My friend sits beside me
Angry with the audience for laughing
At the discourse between the two
Why do they laugh?

I know the answer
Because we all do that in our heads
Or at the very least
Those of who laugh, do.

I'm alone now
Back in the forest
No one here but me
Me and channel One,
The one that constantly plays a song
and won't shut the f*@k up!
“Come on! Why do you do that?!”
bargain with the channel
talk with the channel
give up trying to shut up the channel…
Ignore it.
Let it fade a bit.
There are other things to give attention to.

Funny how when we stop fighting a thing,
it has less power,

Channel number two
Plays movies,
Not the whole thing
Damn thing's stuck on repeat…
What the hell are you trying to say to me?
What's the purpose in showing me these scenes
Over and over again…
More bargaining
More negotiating
More trying to control it
But, there is something trying to be communicated here
And I think the conscious part of me is smarter
Than the deep part talking in these images


Focus on the external world
Focus on the forest
Try not to give any power
To the channels within
Walk in the forest
Listen to the water
Sit on the Rock
Touch the trees
Listen to the wind
Give as much attention to the senses
Let it drown out the channels

Peace. For a while…

But when
And I
Return to camp
There I am again
There is no escaping me.

The deep dreaming pulls me down
Consciousness escapes me
The deep part insists I listen

I am allowed brief moments
To eat
To warm myself
But little more than that…
I fight not to be a victim
Of myself
I fail miserably,
Back down into the Dreaming I go…

Like the old stories
I fight an unseen thing
I cannot kill myself
How can I win?
It's not possible…
I give up…

I am allowed a brief reprieve
To relieve myself
Before I return back to
My bed in the tent.

I am aware of something
I am aware of sleeping in a muck!
Rise the energy
Cleanse the tent
Return to bed…

The Dreaming is not done with me
But it is different now
There is movement
Who cares if we understand how
Or why
Perhaps the deep place
Has more wisdom
Than we thought?
Perhaps it is when
We don't fight listening,
But accept that it wants to be heard,
That it wants to be acknowledged,
That we are freed from it…

Joy returns!
We are happy again!
I am happy again!

What's the point?
Ask the deep part of yourself
Your head will try to
Cut it all up
Dissect it
Judge it
Feign intrest
Or disgust
Pay it no mind
the answers will come from
the gut
the heart
and perhaps
when you fall asleep tonight
answer you
in your dreams.

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