This poem is written for everyone who is too busy judging and assuming,to bother actually trying to really know...{and yes mom,it is mostly for you}
If only you knew:
how many times I've looked in the mirror and hated my reflection...
If only you knew how many mistakes I've made that I learned from...
..{or if you could even see that I did learn}...
If only you could see the images that constantly replay in my mind-
all the images that scarred me and continue to follow me...
If only you could feel what I feel every time I hurt someone I care about..
If only you knew that I do feel so much remorse...
If only you knew how many times it took every bit of strength in my body not to end it at times...
If only you could see the scars and bruises I hide from everyone...
If only you had witnessed the suicides,heard the rumors and tasted the blood that I have...
If only you knew that every time I walk outside I keep my chin up in spite of it all...
If only you had felt the eyes I've felt staring me down....
{If only you knew that it happens every time}...
If only you knew how many times I've risked everything to help someone else...
If only you knew how many regrets I do not have,because of the lights that are lit in the aftermath...
If I could describe the fear I've felt.....
If only you had seen me dance respectively....
{without even falling down}...
If only you knew how good it felt to tell the truth...
...{even though it hurt us all}...
If only you had cried half the times I have...
...{and knew about the times I didin't}...
If only you had felt the freezing air,the lonely walks and the hospital beds...
If only you knew that when I said all the rumors were not true,I meant it...
If only you knew how many beatings I happily took when I knew I deserved them...
...{and the ones I unhappily did not}...
If only you knew how many times I said "leave me alone"...
...{and secretly didin't mean it}...
If only you knew how many times my heart's been broken...
If only you how many time I thought it was best to walk away...
If only you knew that every time I fall down,I do get back up....
...{sometimes completely alone...}...
If only you were in the accidents,the funeral homes,the hospitals,and the strangers'cars...
If only you could hear the songs,read the good news,and see the beautiful images...
{that make me cry every time}....
If only you knew about all the times I didin't speak because I was afraid to...
If only you could see the good in everyone the way I do..
{...and all the good in me}...
If only you had taken the time to listen to my side of the story...
...{without throwing so much judgement}
If only you knew that I haven't told a lie since I was a kid...
...{and that I still beat myself up for those ones}
If only you knew that everything I say will contradict itself forever...
...{no matter how honest I am}....
...and if you knew how much that kills me right now....
If only you knew that every song written has a way to speak to me...
If only you knew how many times I wanted to help when I coulden't...
...{because I needed so much help myself}...
If only you knew that I'd rather choke on my vomit then tell a lie...
If only you knew how many times karma has so strongly fixed what I chose not to..
If only you knew about the times I prayed,cried tears of joy,stood up for people,and donated money I did not have...
If only you knew about the arrests,the eating disorders and the drug abuse...
...{that it killed me to hide}...
If only you knew how sorry I was...
If only you knew that my intuition is strong,and the gut feelings are always right...
..{and that I know this because I do listen to them}...
If only you had felt the knives,the needles and the burning flames...
...{If you knew that the guilt hurt twenty times worse}...
If only you knew that I can't open up without a pen and paper....
If only you had heard the screams,the the sirens and the squeeling tires...
If you knew I still believe in hope,and am able to look beyond it all...
If only you believed that angels must exsist now...
...............You woulden't look at me like that......................
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