Sitting on the edge of my bed I cried
I cried until my sobs came in deep shudders
Throughout my whole body
I cried until my head ached
I hurt and hurt so bad
I want you to understand me so badly
But I cannot open up to you
So I cry!
I know I have been dishonoured but
I cannot feel annoyed about it for who am I?
So I cry!
I know I have been treated with disrespect
But I cannot feel enough love for myself
So I cry!
In emotional poverty, I betray myself by my self
And I cry!
I see reflected what others do to me yet how
Many times have I done these same things?
To myself already?
I cry for all the things I have lost
Accomplishments even given away by people
Who do not care and I cry!
Not surprisingly I feel now empty and used
My blouse is sodden with tears
Where can I store the hurt?
I have no where for it to go
Unless I put it deeper into the pain that
Caused it in the first place
When it gets there it will repulse me
I weep as it is too late
I weep as it is time
I know I will go on and hide
Not speak of me or my agonies
My pain, no I will smile when with you
I will cry for all the loses in my life
My Mothers, Fathers, Childhood.
But was that really there in the first place?
Or just an illusion, a time in my life
Where I existed, floundering looking after
Mum, dad, sister, brother
Ensuring they were ok
Then I never cried
I needed help so much I never knew
What I needed to do
What could I know? Or was I in some way
Incomplete? I was so scared
Perhaps that's it; I should know but never did
I had to be strong, no tears
Not in front of them, or Mum would cry
I must cope and prove I can do it
I want them to hug me so badly, until in the end I ache and ache so much inside
Years on I am the same hurting so very bad
Inside but hugs are never there
So I cry!
Until the day I can break free from the catalyst
I have been trapped in and I can fly
Into a state of freedom and release
I will cry, just for a while
Until I find what I now need to search for
What I need to respect and cherish
For the rest of my days
MYSELF!
