This is a true story, but not a pretty one.
I don't expect many to take the time to read
it, as its a long one. It's a part of my life
I blocked out for a while at least partly. Its
strange how some things have a way of coming back
to haunt you, or perhaps to open your eyes, and
get you back to reality. Please don't expect
a happy ending.
TEARS OF GLASS
By...Debbie Rogers
DEDICATION
In Loving Memory of
JACQUELINE COURTNEY ROGERS
Oct. 20th 1974 ----- Jan. 28th 1975
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
To my Aunt (Dessie Avery) who brought this story back to me
To Family and Friends that I couldn't do without
To all those who ever lost a child
And to all the loved ones mentioned in the book
That has since passed from our lives
In Loving Memory
Agnes Humphrey's-- Vernon Avery--James Pennington
Florence Rogers--David Rogers
Doris (Rogers) Bariola--James Humphrey's--Eugene Rogers
INTRODUCTION
I was told you start a story at its beginning and take it through to its end. The beginning isn't important it was simply based on the love of many, it's the pages within the story that matter, and quite simply, there is no end. But this book has come into being because of a handful of papers worn yellow with time. Written over thirty years ago in my own hand and forgotten. Until the day my Aunt (Dessie) placed them in my hands and told me lovingly it was time I had them back. Why did I write those pages and then as easily forget them completely, I don't know, maybe you can figure it out. Why do I feel you'll even be interested, I don't know, maybe you won't. Perhaps it will finally just release the whole thing in grave detail from my own mind.
Why Tears of Glass you ask, because they exist, believe me I know this all too well. Every tear that fell and every tear that falls I hear shatter along with all my past hopes and dreams. Endless tears that cut like a knife, once shattered they lay my heart open, and leave me bleeding for all I've lost, all I will never have again. Listen as you read, you'll hear them for yourself! For they shatter like crystal upon cold granite stone, and the lonely floor at my feet. Still skeptical?? Sshhh just Listen !!
Tears Of Glass
I was a typical Mother, I longed for a little girl I could dress in frilly little clothes with bows in her hair to match. We already had a son, our first-born, His name was James but he was Jamie to us, and as handsome as they come. So I knew in my heart our second would be the little girl I had dreamed of, I had no doubts about it. I woke up in labor on the morning of October the 20th in 1974; it was a crisp cool morning. I woke my husband Jim and he rushed to get dressed while I got our little son out of bed and ready. We loaded what was needed in the truck and proceeded to my Grandmothers (Agnes Humphreys) where we dropped Jamie off and then proceeded to the hospital. It was a little after seven in the morning and the pains were coming fast by now, and they were all located in my lower back, just like when I had my son.
Upon arriving at the hospital Jim went to fill out the usual long list of paperwork while I got checked out and sent right on in to the labor room. You weren't allowed anyone in the labor room back then with you, so it was my Doctor, the nurses, and me. Plus one little baby girl in a hurry to meet her Family, and a baby girl it was. The most beautiful baby I had ever seen, born at 9:02 am and weighed in at 9 pounds and 2 ounces. A big baby declared healthy and strong with ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. Beautiful blue eyes, brown hair, and the most beautiful shaped hands and little nails you've ever seen on a baby, just perfection in everyway. The pride on her Daddy's face was indescribable; he knew she was a keeper. Our little Boy was brought down to see his brand new little sister, so I walked to the lobby to see him as well. He looked at her through a glass partition into the nursery, as little ones back then weren't allowed in the nursery or in a patient's room. He thought she was so cute, and it was good for me to get to be with him as well, for we were all there together. My dreams had all come true, the perfect little Family, a husband the wife, a son and a daughter, what more could anyone want.
Her name was already picked out; it was to be Jacqueline Courtney, and I had gotten it from my favorite soap opera star on television. I felt when I first laid eyes on my baby girl the name suited her fine and was just as beautiful as she was. Oh, but all the folks had a fit saying, “ what a name to put on a tiny baby” They all felt it should just be some simple old family name, but Jim and I had the perfect name, and she was ours, so that was the name she received. But as would have it no one called her that, it seems each had their own little nick name to place on her, and that was okay .To me Courtney looked like her Dad except for having that little pug nose and his nick name for her was Kitten. Jamie couldn't say either Jacqueline or Courtney, so he called her Corky, and it seemed to fit her. Every visitor she had loved her at first sight, including her big brother Jamie, whom we thought might get jealous of her, but never did.
It was finally time to take her home and I couldn't wait, that was so unlike with my little son Jamie, I was scared too death to leave the hospital with all the nurses who truly new how to take care of a baby, Something I had never before done! But with this one I was just excited, once motherly instinct kicks in its there. Fear was replaced with a sense of urgency and need, the urgency I didn't understand, at least not then.
The night we brought her home from the hospital she took diarrhea and my mother (Margret) took care of her through the night so I could sleep. She was there to stay a few days till I was up and around good. We took her to the Doctor the next morning and got her a prescription. After a couple of days she was doing pretty good, other than the fact that we had to also change her formula. She had seemed to really enjoy her formula but it just would not stay down, but she continued to gain weight and was so healthy looking. But as the days were passing one after the other, I noticed something that chilled me to the bone. Every time I picked her up for any reason she cried and cried, she was my little bundle of joy the little girl I had always dreamed of. Why when I touched her did she cry so?! At the same time this was taking place, there were also new feelings I was having, that I couldn't shake or explain. I couldn't share them with anyone, because I always hid my feelings, had been doing that since I was a little child myself, never showing fear or letting anyone see my tears, I was the strong one or so I thought. It was almost as if once I got her home she was no longer mine, and no matter how hard I tried it seemed she wouldn't let me bond with her. I'd see the smiles on her beautiful little face when anyone other than me picked her up and held her. I would smile with them all on the outside but on the inside my heart was breaking. I don't know maybe even then I knew way down deep she wouldn't be mine for very long. It was as if there was always something there between us saying don't get too close. But she was my baby I wanted to hold her and see that perfect smile light up her whole face, I wanted to feel that bond between mother and child, but, where was it?! She stole everyone's heart; her smile could have conquered a nation at a single glance. It appears maybe everyone else was told to love her as much and as fast as they could, and with me it was don't get close. As the days wore on nothing changed there were smiles for everyone but me. When no one was there I did what I had to do to take care of my little one her crying all the while till I'd place her back in her little crib or elsewhere, then she was all smiles. I'd sit there sometimes where no one could see and cry and cry and cry.
It seemed we had an endless string of visitors since Courtney's birth, which is what I called her. Everyone wanting to see this new baby girl all bearing gifts, all receiving those beautiful smiles she gave so freely to everyone but me. My Husbands youngest brother Mike was in on leave from the Navy and came by one night to see our newest arrival, as well as his nephew our little son Jamie. My Mother was also there visiting a few days. Mike was good with Kids and seemed to do and say the right things with them all the time. He was everybody's clown, the smile on everyone's face, that's what everyone loved about him. On this particular night he had been out partying with some old friends so he was a little tipsy and feeling no pain. He would boost Courtney up to the ceiling and my Mom would all but have a heart attack so afraid he would drop her. But of course he didn't and she was as usual all smiles. Mom finally convinced Mike to have a cup of coffee and put the baby down, and Mike, well he fell asleep before he finished that first cup. He later apologized for the episode and asked if he hurt the baby. We told him of course not everything was fine and we weren't upset at him. After all who could be upset with Mike.
Mom went on back home and once again I had the babies all to myself. Courtney loved sitting in her carrier on the kitchen table, watching every move that everyone made. She loved being talked to and sang to even more. Jamie her big brother of slightly over a year and a half, would sit beside her on the table. He would talk to her the longest and she seemed to truly be soothed by his voice. Then her Daddy would come in the door from work and he'd say, “ there's my kitten” and her little eyes would just light up, and then that smile would cover her tiny face. Then there were times she'd just sit there while I was doing something and she would play with her little hands and fingers as if she were admiring their perfect beauty.
Quite a few times she was mistaken for a little boy, since she didn't have a lot of hair, I guess. Like the time we took her to the grocery store an this man walked up, you know how older people are by babies, there's nothing sweeter. Anyway he walked up and said, “Oh, he is so cute” Then one night she and I went shopping with my aunt (Dessie) and my uncle (Vernon) to Wal-mart. While we were in there this sweet elderly lady came up to us and told us how cute He was. It was so funny to me because I had taken extra care an placed her in one of her frilliest little dresses before we left. But she seemed to draw people, and she would flash them all that smile, and they were hooked.
At times when Jim had to go down in the pasture to work cows or do something on the farm, I'd take the little ones and stop off at his Dad's and Mom's and visit with them. Grandma Florence would always have me place Courtney on her large stomach to which she earned giving birth to 13 kids. She would tell Courtney it was her very own chair. To that lady Courtney was precious and that was her own special nickname for her. To her Grandpa Eugene she was just as precious but too fragile for him to hold yet, they had a lot of Grandchildren but made each one feel like the first. Better people you could never hope to meet than these two.
We took Courtney over to meet her great aunt Susie, my own aunt, and she said, “She is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen” She captured everyone's heart and hearing my aunt say those words made me feel so good, because that sweet lady never said anything that she didn't mean with her whole heart. Next was my Uncle (Robert) who came several hundred miles for a visit and like everyone else he took to her as she did him. He would talk to her in his gruff sounding voice and she wasn't afraid of that voice like some kids were, she just laughed the cutest laugh to each of his words. My Grandmother was Nanny to all the kids, and that wonderful woman worshipped both my kids. My Grandmother was the heart and soul of all our lives, and full of love for everyone. Uncle Vernon was crazy about her to; he had away with all kids young and old that was truly remarkable. Aunt Dessie worshipped her, and thought her the most beautiful baby she'd ever seen as well. My brother Terry was scared of kids afraid they'd break if he held them. But with Courtney it was different, he held her, for he could no more resist her smile than anyone else could. My sister Margaret was always the brave one, she loved kids of all ages, and Courtney you could tell she loved the most of all. Her husband Gary had a genuine love for Courtney as if she were his own blood niece. My Mother got so attached to her those first few weeks I know she felt as if she were her own child; I couldn't have made it without her help through it all. My dearest friend Jane, she and I had been friends since our teenage days, she loved my kids and to her they were known as auntie Jane. Her mother Judy whom I have and will always call Mrs. Dimitt always tickled me around babies, because the first thing she had to see was a babies feet, saying they were the prettiest thing about a baby. No one could have loved her anymore than her big brother Jamie. For he was always there, when she laughed or cried, he was always beside her. He seemed to feel what she felt whether it was good or bad. My youngest uncle “James” who we lovingly called Pocus stopped in to see her and was captured as well. He was a long distance truck driver and he told us he could sit her right up in the cab and take her with him. Pete a dear friend who naturally loved all kids but had none of his own was very taken with Courtney. George another dear friend, had confided that he wasn't really crazy about kids but there was something about Courtney that was different, and for once I smiled. I knew Courtney had reeled in another conquest of the heart. That's just a chosen few of the people that Courtney touched their lives in one way or another, Just a few that saw that beautiful smile and was captured, just a few that will never ever forget a tiny baby that briefly and completely touched their hearts. None of them realizing just how precious those memories would be and very soon.
Aunt Dessie and Uncle Vernon bought Courtney a beautiful stained wood cradle that we kept at the end of our bed. Jim tied a long ribbon to one of the spindles on the cradle and when he got into bed he would tie the other end to his toe, a comical sight. He would then rock her till she fell asleep or if by the slightest chance that didn't work he would lay her in between us till she finally fell asleep. There was nothing he wouldn't do for his little kitten.
The only time Courtney really cried other than when I held her was when she was getting a bath, it seemed she hated it. We tried all different temperatures for the water nothing helped; finally realizing it wasn't the bath or the water. She just couldn't stand having her clothes off, the minute you got her clothes on she was once again all smiles. So we learned to give really fast baths, and that was a chore in itself, but my oh my what a set of lungs on a baby when she wasn't dressed. She cried for me all the time so it wasn't such a big deal I just figured it was something I would have to get used to, I was truly beginning to feel she didn't like me at all. I could rock her sing to her, walk the floor and she'd keep on crying. Her Dad or anyone else could walk in take her and she hushed immediately. More than once Jamie could stop her tears before anyone else. He had his own little way with her, and me well I was just there.
JoAnn, Connie and Mrs. Winsett all dear friends came by to visit and play with the baby. Joann brought her a little yellow dress outfit and Mrs. Winsett brought her a mint green outfit, which were both so very cute. Her Aunt Mollie, one of Jim's sisters got her a little navy blue dress covered in ruffles that I just loved and she looked so cute in. But my Grandmother just hated that little dress an said it made her look like she was hurting all over, I just laughed at that. Her Grandmother Florence bought her, her very first little dress; it was light pink and looked so tiny.
One day Courtney and I were all alone in the house, so I decided to get out all her pretty little dresses an take some pictures. As we hadn't had a professional one done yet, but felt we had a lifetime to do that. Anyway I took one picture after the other until she was too tired and cranky to take anymore. I new they would all turn out good, as she was a beauty. I took a few others later that same week just to use up the film. I took some of her on the kitchen table in her little carrier some in her little swing that she loved so much. How she loved that swing as long as you kept it wound she was happy. I took one in her Daddy's arms she'd just finished eating and spit up all over him, but what a cute picture. Little did I know there would be no more pictures, for me to take. But the ones I did take came back as lovely as I new they would.
We had a wonderful Christmas that year, we went first to Jims Parents early that morning to open gifts, every family member there was taken with Courtney, and that's a big loving family. Courtney's smile had done it again, she had them all eating out of the palm of her hand, from David the oldest son right down to the youngest Rogers Family member. Courtney had on a little lavender dress out fit her Daddy bought her to wear Christmas, it wasn't Christmassy looking but it was beautiful on her. Her Daddy and I opened her gifts for her and she got a Raggedy Ann and Andy sleeping bag comforter from her Aunt Doris. From others there she received a multi colored dog that was a squeeze toy, several other toys, an little sleepers to keep her warm. Later that day we went to Aunt Dessie's and Uncle Vernon's for Christmas on my side of the family. We all got nice gifts; they got Courtney a little pink sweater dress with matching leotards. We had Christmas dinner there then we all ended up at my Grandmothers (Agnes Humphreys). While we were there my cousin Peggy came in and she was like all the others taken with Courtney and said, “ she's a knock out" All in all it turned out to be the very best Christmas we ever had, and the only one with our little Courtney.
My sister Margaret was pregnant with her first child and she dearly loved my kids. My son Jamie couldn't pronounce her name properly so he called her sissy all the time. Anyway, Margaret and her Husband Gary came up to baby-sit for Jim and I so we could go to the New Years dance and party. After we got back Margaret and I sat in the kitchen at the dining table and talked awhile. She told me that earlier that night Gary had accidentally bumped Courtney's head and that he cried like a baby because he thought he hurt really hurt her. I knew she wasn't hurt by looking at her and told Margaret it probably scared her worse than anything, and I knew without doubt how much Gary loved that baby, but he sure worried about it. But any of us would have, if we'd been the one to bump her little head.
As I said earlier Jamie wasn't in the least jealous of her like we thought he might be. He was constantly trying to share with her whatever he had. When she'd be on the kitchen table in her little carrier, he would climb up and sit beside her. Sometimes sharing a little toy by placing it on her tummy, or just sitting there playing with her little hands, or rubbing her little face. He would sometimes talk and sing to her in his own little way. Sometimes he'd just stand or sit depending on where Courtney was laying watching her sleep, and I'd ask him what he was doing and he'd say, “she's pretty mommy” At times as well, I'd get tickled at him if she was crying when I held her and he would be tired of hearing her cry, and he'd say, “ she's a loud mouth bawl bag. Which is what we used to call him to make him laugh when he had a crying spell. He would sometimes offer her one toy after the other trying to get her to stop crying when I had her, and then there were the times he just plain chose to cry right along with her. You should have seen him when we'd set close to him and let him hold her on his own. We of course helped him to support her little head, but oh, what a proud big brother he was. His little face would just light up and be all smiles; he truly loved his baby sister.
Jim and I were invited to his sisters wedding, but he and Jamie came down sick so we had to decline. We decided to send Courtney down to my Moms and Grandmothers so she wouldn't get sick as well. But she did get sick and so did I, only she didn't have what we all had, we just didn't know it at the time. She was sick enough that our much-loved family Doctor (James Pennington) placed her in the Hospital. I was still sick so our Doctor wouldn't allow me to stay with her and that was really hard. So my Mom took on the task of staying with her and had no second thoughts, she went just like that. They kept her a few days and then released her, as she seemed better. But I was still running fever and Jamie was still sick so my Mom took her back with her, and Jim went back to work. But Courtney got sicker than before just overnight and was placed back in the hospital. I remember when my fever subsided; I went down to take my moms place at the hospital. I sat an held her and talked to her, and this time she didn't cry, she was simply to sick. Little did I know that the short time I held my sick baby would also be my last time. As her fever had started up again and the nurses called the Doctor to see what to do and he told them to put her in oxygen. By the time Jim got there from work her fever had shot up to 105 and he didn't wait for the nurses to call our Doctor he went and called him on his own. Our Doctor got there in no time flat and was extremely upset because he had told them to place her under oxygen from the neck up and they had placed her entire body under oxygen. Things then went from bad to worse, and the Doctor told them to transfer her immediately by Ambulance to a bigger hospital some 80 miles away. Jim told me to go home pack some clothes and get back fast. But by the time I got our little boy settled and got back to the hospital the ambulance had already left. Jim rode with the baby in the ambulance and left word for me to get up there as fast as I could. I had never been so scared in my life, and new I wouldn't be able to drive that distance alone, I was in no condition for it. My brother Terry and my brother in law Gary drove me up there and not knowing the town very well the first thing we did was get lost. It seemed like we drove for hours but stopped and got better instructions and finally made it. We got the hospital found she was on the 4th floor in room 810. Found Jim at her bedside and they were running tests. None of us had eaten and new it would be a long night and the cafeteria in the hospital was already closed. So we all went and found the first little eating-place we came to and had burgers and fries, then returned to the hospital. Terry and Gary stayed there with us awhile and then returned home telling us to call often with any word the Doctors gave us. We walked then out and returned to our baby's room where we spent the longest and most frightening week of our lives. We left her bedside only long enough to go across town and shower at Jim's brother Bud's and his wife Lynda Ruth's, they were so good to us during that time.
We ate all our meals right there in the cafeteria; we just couldn't make ourselves leave the hospital. At times for a few minutes we would walk to the lobby, or to the kids playroom to just get acquainted with some of the other kids and their Parents. We met some really nice people there with their little ones; saw some pitiful sites that will not be forgotten as well. One couple in particularly had a little girl in the same room with our little one. The little girls name was DeAnna Dawn, and her Mothers name was Judy. She was very good company during those long hours, and her little girl was a doll. There was one other little girl in the room, the nurses said she has been there for months but her parents had only been there one time. They just left her there and we felt so sorry for the little thing. If she dropped her bottle or wanted a toy Jim or I would hand it to her and play with her a bit. Jim had a wonderful way with the little ones, he loved everyone he met. There was a little boy that broke our hearts he was so very cute, he had drank a bottle of ammonia and it had eaten out his little throat, he had to be fed through his little stomach. There was also a little girl named Tonya, she was so tiny because of a heart defect she had, but she would run up and down the halls getting attention from everyone she passed. Oh, there were others that we will never forget as well; at times I wandered about each of them.
It was so hard seeing our little one in the oxygen tent after the ordeal at the other hospital, but the Doctors assured us it was a necessity. They had placed IV's in her tiny legs and it was hard to see. I'd go down to the bathroom have a good cry, give myself a pep talk, wash my face and return to her side. But why did it seem I could hear every tear that fell, almost like tiny bits of glass breaking, it wasn't like the drip of a faucet that drove you crazy after awhile. It was like a piece of your favorite crystal once it fell and you heard it shatter you new it was gone forever. Only this was different, the sound just kept coming one tear after the other, one shattering sound after the other. Was it because I had this thing about not letting people see me cry? Was I going crazy, how could I have tears or hear tears of glass, that's stupid, Isn't it? But it was never long before I was back down the hall and in the bathroom for more tears to conceal, and more of the sounds echoing in my head. I'd stand beside her little bed in that intensive care unit, and could only imagine what pain she might be going through. But what else could I do other than pray; I knew it was in the hands of the Doctors and God.
Jim and I took turns sleeping, which there wasn't much of for either of us, that way one of us would always be awake with her. Her breathing had gotten so bad and seemed so loud that at times it was the only sound we heard. The Doctors couldn't tell us much at this point. They were baffled at what was wrong with her and they honestly admitted it to us. They told us they were giving her the strongest infection medicine they could give her, and were afraid even it wouldn't work. Our Family Doctor called her Doctors once a day to check on her and spoke to us as well to see how we were doing; he was indeed a caring man. But the hours were just getting longer and no hope seemed in sight for our precious little girl, and there was nothing we could do but stand beside her and watch it all happen, Jim and I had never felt so utterly useless in our lives.
Once when it was my turn for a break I was in the lobby where you could always hear a bit of laughter around you. Believe me it helped a little because at times you felt so lost and alone, and even the laughter heard from strangers let you feel a little more in the real world. This world of sickness wasn't our real world, we had a wonderful life a beautiful son and daughter, and we shouldn't be here, on the 4th floor in room 810. Where was the beautiful smile from our little girl, why was this happening to us and to her most of all? Sitting there I heard a page for someone I'd known back in high school or at least someone with the same name. Luck would have it that I ran into him later on in the elevator, as he worked there in the hospital.
He bought me a coffee one-day in the snack shop and we talked about the baby and old friends and high school. You see a moments visit or a quick cup of coffee and a few kind words from family, friends whether new or old, and even strangers in a hospital can truly help. Breaks the monotony, and takes your mind to another place for just a little while. From then on when he was on Courtney's floor he would stop by and talk with Jim and I, offering a few kind words. He'd even take a look at her chart and explain some things to us, more as we say in English, than in all the medical terms we didn't always understand. He helped us out more than he could ever possibly know, and we thanked him for it.
At the onset of the week Jim and I and even the Doctors all thought she was improving. Her breathing was better and her fever down slightly. But thinking it and hoping it would keep improving was just wasted thoughts. She got even worse and one thing, once again after the other started to go all wrong. So Jim went and called the families to give them more bad news.
My Mom, Sister and Brother in law came to visit and it helped me a lot. But I knew Margaret didn't need to be there, she was too pregnant, and too attached. But like the others she had to come because of her love for that tiny sick baby. Even though the long ride for her was very uncomfortable. Margaret never saw her niece again after that visit.
Courtney continued to worsen, as did her breathing, she was to the point of almost no breath at all. Her Doctors called in a surgeon to take a look at her, and it didn't take him but a second to come to a conclusion. He said she needed a tracheotomy to help her breathe. He told us for her it would be major surgery because she had not yet developed her neck muscles properly. He also said he would never do one on an infant unless it deemed an emergency, finally, stating in her case it was. The surgery was scheduled for the coming Saturday morning, an my Mom and other family members came up to be with us, it seemed like it took hours but it didn't. Finally the Surgeon came out and told us the tracheotomy went well. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and thanked God. So my Mom and family members headed home hoping everything would be ok now, just a few more loved ones not knowing they'd not see her alive again.
Courtney didn't improve at all, she just kept getting sicker. After the tracheotomy they had to give her inhalation therapy that I couldn't watch. They would place that breathing mask over her little face so she could breathe on her own. But she would fight it with every ounce of strength she had left in her little body. Bucky, my friend that worked there told me it didn't hurt her at all, but I couldn't bear it.
They had to keep changing her IV's around so she didn't get too sore, it seemed there would be no where left to put them. I was thinking this to myself when two of her Doctors came in and told us they had finally discovered that she had an infection called pseudomonas, which was causing a poisoning of her blood. That this devastating infection was throughout her entire system. But they couldn't explain to us what or how it's caused or how she got it, as this was something they had not run into before. Once again here we were standing hopeless wringing our hands for lack of being able to help our child, and it seemed the Doctors were doing the same thing. So I said my silent prayers, cried my tears away from prying eyes came back to my daughters side and stood motionless not knowing what to do next, or where to turn.
The next night one of the Doctors came in to examine her and told us her little eyes were clouded over with a white film, and that she had a severe ear infection in both ears. And he told us it was bad. I then asked him if she was going to be blind, and he said, “lets worry about her living right now” That all but buckled my knees, and the look on Jims face I had never seen before, he loved his Kitten and he was being so strong on the outside. But for that moment the look on his face told just how weak he was feeling.
The next morning she had developed a rash that looked like measles, it was just tiny little red spots. But the nurses couldn't tell us anything we had to wait for one of the Doctors. In the mean time a step cousin (Patricia) of mine came by to check on the baby and we went to the cafeteria and I ate while she had coffee. She left shortly after we returned to Courtney's room as the Doctor had come in and told us they needed to do a spinal tap on the baby. They took her to another room to do the procedure, and I hated it for her because I was told those things are very painful. I went an sat in the play room once they took Courtney to another room, while Jim went to call home once again and fill everyone in on what the Doctors were doing now. I prayed so hard to God to just let our baby live, I begged Him to please not take her away from me, her Daddy, her big Brother, and all those who loved her.
When they brought her back to her room they had changed the IV's once again and this time they were in her little forehead, how my heart ached for her and the pain she was going through. Later that night her fever was back up so the Doctor told the Nurse to give her a cool bath to try and get her fever back down. The nurse did this and I could see Courtney shaking and she had goose bumps all over her skin, the nurse got the bath finished dried her up and placed her back under that cold oxygen tent and left the room. I walked up to her bedside to watch her and just feel closer to her, and that's when it happened. One single little tear trickled down her tiny cheek; I ran my hand up under that tent and wiped that lone tear from her beautiful little cheek. Tears feel warm but that tear was different, it was the coldest piece of ice I'd ever felt. Perhaps it was because of the oxygen but I don't believe it, it was so much more. I Knew in that moment we had bonded when she was born, she just refused to let me get any closer to her, trying hard to let me know she wouldn't be here with me, hoping my pain wouldn't be so great, and now letting me for a instant feel the incredible pain and suffering she was going through, so I'd agree to let her go. Was she truly giving me these messages or was God, I just know I felt them through her, through that cold icy tear I wiped from her little cheek, the last time I ever touched her while there was breath in her little body. About that time Jim came back from eating and asked if there'd been any change, I related to her bath and said no more. How could I tell him or anyone else what I felt through a tear, would they believe me, was I sure I even believed it.
).setAttribute('href','//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?sitename=poetic2984&item=home');document['poetimage'].height='45';document['poetimage'].src='//poetrypoem.com/photos/poets/poetic2984-button.jpg';;WriteLayer('ptitle',null,'Such A Day');WriteLayer('ppoem',null,'What day is just about appearing on the horizon One that to many shall be a <a href="//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?poemnumber=1350111&displaypoem=t&sitename=poetic2984&item=poetry" target="_top" style="text-decoration:none;"><font style="color: #18397C;font: 900 12px times;"> ... More</font></a>');WriteLayer('poetinfocus',null,'poetic2984');WriteLayer('pdate',null,'2024-04-20')){kind=small}
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