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What is this peculiar sport that they call ‘footie'?
Twenty two grown men, all fighting over a ball
They set off in the middle of a green patch
And chase one another until they fall!

It seems eleven of them wear a particular colour sweater
And how odd that the other eleven wear another
Sometimes they get angry and push their partner
Then a man in black comes over and tells them they're in bother!

He blows a whistle and then reaches for his pocket
Out comes a little yellow paper
They give him irate stares and glares and scowls
And proceed to follow on with the caper!

I'm not quite sure why those two big nets are at each end
Though I'm positive they are something to do with the game
Because after repeatedly running back and forth
Eventually they stop when the ball accidentally lands its aim!

Well I never : what a performance when that happens
Hairy men hugging and kissing and carrying on
Oh, now that hulking great big one on the outside
Is writhing in sheer agony : or is it a con!

The man in black is brandishing a red card and
One of the players is walking off
Perhaps he thinks it's time for a tea break
As he waltzes out in a proper strop!

Something called a penalty has been rewarded and
They pick a man to do a kick that's free
Apparently if he puts it in the back of the net
He'll be the man of the match, you'll agree!

Not long after number eleven was carted off on a stretcher
Someone scared me to death with a mighty whistle blow
Hugs and kisses and tears and shame and they even take their shirts off
And next week they'll be back to have another go!

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