Absent Minded


so say there is a god
and hypothetically speaking
say my life is impossible to live
absolutely painfull
a rock and a hard place
an accident
a mistake
he gave me more than i could take
proved to me he didnt l;ove me but loved everybody else
and this is the torment i have left to think about
if ever he is to make it better
as i sit here to wonder if i care
like its some sort of judgement day that doesnt matter anyway
because god cant possibly cry at everybody funeral
so why would he bother with mine?

we could leave it this way
and i stay insane
poor bored
crying every day in a world i want to change but yet hate\
that doesnt listen understand me or care for me either way
and this bothers me because for some rteason
i care for myself

he could turn my lide into a dream come true like some heaven
and every earthly pleasure i ever wanted could be mine
as his life would be an appologetic compromise
but wait
everything would be alie
all those people around me would be like actors
they still wouldnt really love me
theyd be tricked into caring for me
and giving me what i wanted and my whole lifew would be alie
which when the truth surfaced would shatter me

or we could just get it over with
and send me to a torture boot camp
and tie me to a chair
which ois no different from my life now really
except for the physical pain theyu would offer
and then when i returned home
my life would seem more like a dream
so ican sit here all day and night alone
incapable of working
crying myself to sleep
feeling like no one loved me
but at least i would now have the knowledge
this life i live is not torture to the worst degree

just emotional and mental
and one day it will be named self inflicted i suppose
because im gay and not entirely perfect for my god to love me
so I'll sweep it under the rug and overlook this supposed crime
because god needs a heart to call home
and im uninvited to feel that love ever
so ill just keep being bumped to the back of the line
as the selfish bastard loves everyone but me forever

so i could live my life like this forever
delusional and lonely with no cure
thinking i know the truth and no one else knows

Or i could ask for everything to change
and while i live the dream come true
know its all a lie and have it shatter me in the end

or i could ask to be tortured and then sent back to the beginning
so i can sit here at the start and wonder
here at square one how do i solve this nonexistant crime
what did i do to deserve this
and how do i prevent it
have i lost my mind?
of course i have
everything is wrong
and everybody is right
god doesnt love me
and all thats left is the physical torture only my brother could offer
ive gone through once before
forgive and forget and start over suffering for more

sitting here judging what is in store
sitting here like any thing matters
no one cares and do i anymore?
i want to
but what for
im the same person i was before
and obviously something is wrong
stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard place
between poverty and homelessness
survival and bliss
protest and forgotten
to make no difference
and this is my existance?

who the hell wrote the life im living anyway?
should i care if my life is a scripted lie?
should i care if people are paid to make me laugh
and pretend to love me when everyday i cry?
should it bother me im bothered for feeling sorry for myself
that even if i went to some bootcamp prison
and was tortured
this life i live is no dream
and this test i pick apart like the nightmare it is

all i can do  is sit here and say hey look at how jesus got out of hell
Im approaching you rkingdom
and want to know the truth
where is he
hell is about to be renamed again
he called us earth when he left
and i will rename you again to fool him upon his return
and turn this world upside down
any peasant or king worthy of escaping this place with Jesus when he gets back
you with me?

spiritual disease
you will never understand
i know that
and reading this will always bother me
at least i got it off my chest
so someone can rub the salt into my wounds
and here i am the impossible life im living of synchronicity
many would watch and think is a dream
reality is its anightmare
and you would never die to be me
the torment of the things on my mind
cant fix my broken heart
cant fix my broken brain
and soon enough my spirituality will be tested then broken
and i will be perfect and blend in with all the rest of you
and be comfortable suffering
and no one will notice me until its far too late
and i am satans bride
lost to a terrible war an unfortunate slide
a gamble of fate
by someone elses hand

i want to go home
but something tells me with my luck
even thats not a happy place
as here it seems even if you roll three sixes at any point in any game
the game is designed so you lose
so be careful what you wish for destiny
and maybe one day death will find a powerful lawyer
figure out how to prevent time from being killed againa nd again
and take my case

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