What Now Swifty?
Well me list of problems have increased,
Till there ain't much more can go wrong,
And still I'm here, fighting,
Cos me constitution's strong!
But me body's topsy turvy,
And me shoulders are getting smaller,
They're not as broad as they used to be,
Cos me ‘sick' list's getting taller.
Me only problem is, now,
What about me fat!
I'm getting as big as a house,
And I can't be doin' with that!
I eat a very healthy diet,
And it don't consist of ‘fat',
So why am I getting bigger?
Cos I'm not having that!
Can I have a ‘tummy tuck'?
And lipo-suction too?
And what about a face lift?
Cos me ruddy eyes are knackered too!
I want to be slim again,
And swan around in me chair,
Without the weight – won't that be great!
But life just is not fair!
I only want to be thinner,
And I'll be happy again,
No more ‘Mrs Blobby',
No more going insane.
So, book me in for the op', doc,
And line me up for a few,
One thing about this body,
There's plenty for the doc's to do!
Now, I'm really only foolin',
Well I'm not, but what the hell,
I'll just plod on, with me fat,
Until I swell, and swell and swell!
You'll have to have the doors widened,
And get a bigger chair,
And a bigger blood thingymajig too,
To do me B.P without a care?
I need something for me arther…
Cos everything's getting worse,
And if me fingers seize up,
I won't do any more verse!
So, doc, what d'you say?
Can you work a miracle for me, or what?
Or should we agree to differ…
Cos I think I should be shot!
Now I have to be quite honest,
I'm only a slip of a peep,
But I thought I'd have a laugh,
And let my humour creep!
I'm glad I'm only dinky though,
And not a tub of lard,
Cos getting about on these bones,
It would be really hard!
© Catherine Inglesby 1998
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