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poet707747


 Up in Smoke

For many years during my young adult days my head was enveloped in a smoky haze.
This helped me blend that personality that I was still coming to grips with at that time.
My pains would fall away, as my head would get that gentle fuzzy buzz.
I would not look up at the clock as time was slipping through my fingers,
Living shallow and free,  as I  wanted to be comfortable being Fred.
I had a sense of pleasure that gave me a feeling of peace in my heart for a while.

Later, after the buzz, I would look into the mirror at someone I just didn't know.
As sadness would creep back into my heart, that shallow peace was gone.
I would occasionally seek within  myself when I was fuzzy and could earnestly see,
But what I saw required me to change, and I was not going to let that happen anytime soon.
I refused to see the mirror's reflection back to me, so I would take another toke and hide.
I would become oblivious to the Fred I was destined to become.

I did not want to become something else, though I didn't like what I was.
I resisted the vision of a life lived for others, and I refused to allow myself growth.
Just roll up another joint and forget and float away on a cloud of peace.
When the buzz dies, the emptiness looks back at me with its cold lonely stare.
I simply sat and watched the days turn into years, lusting after this momentary calm;
Only to have reality smack me in the head,  day after day as I chased this rainbow.

I look back now with eyes that are clear, having found a peace that lasts.
As I finally found the courage to face that mirror and allow myself to change.
The butterfly that emerged from that cocoon of smoke  is more beautiful than in my imagination;
With a new energy from my soul within, I spread my wings and fly.
Those days in the past have so few outstanding memories, as the years turn into a blur.
Too much of my life was wasted, and that without much value, as I lived my life up in smoke.

17Jan08


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