A hundred Pounds of Pain

I have a hundred pounds of pain in the middle of my chest
That's why I can't rest, I sleep two hours a night at best
Twenty some odd years of death and pain and it's insane
I try so hard to just block it out of my brain
But my heart hurts and so it continues to search
Seeking some relief, it even lead me to church
But I don't know, sometimes it gets so bad that I don't go
At times it feels like it wants to release but it won't though
It's been so long and life just plays it out like a slow song
I feel I have no other choice but to keep rolling on
But you know the effects, the ball just gets bigger and bigger
And in it's path lay exits like pills, razor, or trigger
I should talk it out but I don't know what words to say
I'll hold it in until I learn to negotiate
But as I do , the weight gets harder to hold
I fall asleep just to wake up all sweaty and cold
Mamma never said there would be days like this
I just wish I could feel the comfort of mamma's kiss
But she's gone now, so is big brother and baby sis
Only if it was the pain and not them I had to miss
Add grandmas , grandpas, uncle and aunts to the list
A younger cousin shows life torturous twist
But I can't cry, and it gets so hard to live but I can't die
Most people find a way to move on so why can't I
Like the search for the cure for aids or cancer, I search for the answer
To remove hidden pain as my private dancer
I have so much love to give, so much life to live I got to know
How do I hold this hundred pounds over a bridge and let go

J. Moore
08/07/09

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