Not a Poem But An Experience
by
Katherine Cabe
In Memory of Jacob and Karley Cabe
03/29/10
How do I even begin to share with you, how to make it through something that we all hope and pray as mothers that we will not have to face. If you haven't been through it yourself, you probably know someone who has. The loss of a child. For me it was 2 miscarriages back to back within about 7 months. I think all of you know me and know my family. Gary and I are blessed with 3 beautiful children. What some of you may or may not know, it should have been 5.
When our youngest Jason was only 2 years old we were expecting our 4th child. I was 16 weeks into the pregnancy when I went for a routine Dr. visit. I went alone because I was planning on spending the rest of the day shopping for our new little one.
I can not begin to tell you the feeling of sadness, loneliness, and fear, when they told me there was no heartbeat. I had to call Gary and tell him our baby was gone. By 16 weeks you are not supposed to be worried about loosing the baby.
We never learned what happened but the doctors all said it was probably just a one time thing. We could definitely have more children! We went through a very emotional day the next day. I gave birth to Jacob Andrew 2.2oz and 5 inches long. He was perfect! We sang to him, we cried and we said goodbye. It was so overwhelming. I have to say though that I did feel Jesus presence through all that we experienced.
I handled the loss of Jacob fairly well, it was after all just "something that happened" we had already decided we would try again. After all, "God knows best"…."Jacob was in a better place" ….. "we could have another"……"we have 3 kids at home"
Sound familiar? All the reasons people give you and we come up with on our own, reasons to make us feel like all is okay. I felt that all those reasons were true and all would be fine.
A few months later I was expecting again. All would be good now. Almost like something gone wrong is made right. So I thought.
I carried Karley Joy, 16 weeks as well (although she had passed 4 weeks before). When we lost Karley my world crumbled. I felt like God was wrong. One loss I could handle, I could find all the reasons in the world to accept it. But two? To me that was pure meanness. I felt like God had definitely made a mistake…
Gary and I had discussed that if it happened again we wouldn't try for another one because it would be too much for us to all handle. Too hard on him and me, and especially our kids. So this loss wasn't just a loss of a baby but also a dream, the dream of having another child. I knew it wouldn't happen now. No chance of us having any more children.
Ok so right now I want to share with you some of the things you go through grieving the loss of a baby. I was experiencing so many of these and thinking there had to be something wrong with me. Until I read a book, Empty Cradle Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis
Heavy feeling in your chest
Achy empty arms
Crying and sadness
Wanting to be left alone
Fear (for what can happen to your other children or loved ones. things are not so rosy any more)
Anger…a lot of it
Got angry with people for saying the things that I used to comfort myself the first time
(God knows best, She's in a better place, You have 3 great kids, Trust Him)
Want to help your spouse through it but can't seem to help yourself.
If you have children you cling to them.
That is just some of the physical/emotional things I experienced.
Of course I can't describe how I felt to you that second time when after the loss of Karley my milk started to come in. That was just about all I could take. My heart rate hit about 120 on that one.
Let me tell you what I experienced spiritually…
I was angry at God
Did not feel God's presence or even try to.
Couldn't pray (what good would it do)
Couldn't sing (singing requires joy after all)
Couldn't sit through a Sunday morning without getting up to go cry at least once.
Sat through services in a fog.
I was in a pit, deep dark lonely pit.
I knew Gary was having a hard time but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't drum up enough emotions to support or comfort him. I would try but he knew I couldn't. He wouldn't let go. I relied on him a lot!
You know as a Christian I knew that God loved me, would never leave me and that I was going to get passed this. I knew that he would lift me up and comfort me. I knew all that stuff we always say, but didn't rely on it, believe it or even try to live it, not right now any ways.
It was months before I really realized that what was happening to me was I was finally letting go of Jacob. I had accepted his death a little too quickly and moved on and not really dealt with it. I now had 2 babies to grieve for and I wasn't doing it too well.
This is what seemed to barrel down on me….
Lost Jacob in May
Went through a Mother's day in June/Father's day July
His actual due date in Nov. which around that time we found out we were expecting Karley
Christmas with out Jacob
January lost Karley
February Gary's birthday, one of the first times it really hit him hard
May anniversary of loosing Jacob
June Mother's day / then Father's day AGIAN
And then the actual due date of Karley
All these dates started piling up on me. I would feel down around the dates of when I lost my babies, beginning and end of the months.
Oh and then there was that monthly reminder shouting out at me YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!
Ok, I know this is all a real downer, but I want you to know how I ended up dealing with this, not only dealing with it but rising up to have a desire to seek out others when they have a loss. To want to be around others and help them through it. I found a calling, God wants me to share not just my losses, but also what I found.
Jesus!
Never failing, always there, willing to help us………….IF WE LET HIM!
Wow that's the whole thing right there. IF WE LET HIM
One night in October just 9 months after our second loss, Jesus knocked on my door. It's amazing to me that he knew just the right moment. You know, it's like with older children, when you wait as a parent for them to ask for your help, and you know that at some point they will accept it …. If you handle it right.
I was on my knees in the living room at 1 am. I was praying, and praying this is what that prayer was like:
This might be the tough part for me…still gets me a little emotional.
Dear God,
Why won't you take away my pain, why can't I move on? I don't like this hole I'm in. I don't like not wanting to be around people, not wanting to go to church not feeling like a whole person. Why won't you YOU fix me? Why can't YOU take away this hurt? Now…at that time I was not a person to think I would actually get an answer to my questions, I was NOT one to think that in this day and age that our savior would actually speak to me! ….yea, I believed he could….but I guess I didn't believe He would, here's the conversation that followed……….
Why don't you let me
Why don't you trust me
Why don't you let go of your anger
Why don't you open my word?
So I did…..I grabbed my bible I had sitting beside me and opened it. Only it wasn't me that opened it ….. It was God….
My bible fell open to James 1:2 ……………
2. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3. Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Okay God so now you are telling me I went through all this so that I could learn to persevere but how do I do that?!
5. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord. 8. He is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
OH! So now it's all my fault. You won't heal me because I didn't believe you would to begin with? But my anger, I am sorry but I feel anger and that's why I can't get passed the hurt. Why have I been filled with anger? I don't like the separation…the pain…the dark pit… I know you love me but…..
12. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 13. When tempted no one should say, "God is tempting me" For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14. But each one is tempted when , by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. 16. Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. 17. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of first fruits of all he created. 19. My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20. For man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.
Jesus…I'm sorry, I have sinned I have fallen into this pit because of my anger and my hurt. My disappointments of what I thought should be but wasn't. And then I have blamed you for not removing my pain and my depression. I have not trusted you and I have not allowed you to work in my life. I have wandered from you and you stood there waiting for me! I'm sorry … I'm sorry…what do I need to do…
Then a thought came to my mind that to me would be a bizarre thought…
Katy, write the word depression on a piece of paper and throw it away…
What? Are you serious Katy, come on…this 4 o'clock talk is really getting to ya now….
So you still holding on to it eh?
At this point I am crying so hard and thinking to myself, if I ever tell anyone this they will lock me up, they will surely think I have lost my mind. I got up and went to the counter and wrote the word DEPRESSION on it. I crumpled it up and held it high (still crying so hard I can't see) and I said I don't want it and you can have it….
Then, throw it away…………
Okay well I have lost it by this time so what difference does it make….if that's what is going to fix this I will try anything at this point. I threw it away, put the word DEPRESSION in my trash can. And I can not express the feeling of joy and warmth of love and I don't know…warm fuzzies…I sat for probably another 30 min. or so crying and praying this time thanking God for his love and for showing me and being here for me. He reminded me once again…
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
And…..
I then turned my bible to Hebrews 4:14
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet without sin. 16. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
You see, God's been there, he lost his son. He knew when he sent him he came for a purpose and yet he sent him any ways. He understands, and he forgives!
My God loves me, in spite of my weakness!
Then I thought of this verse and turned to it:
2 Corinthians 1:3,4
3.Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the god of all comfort. 4. Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
So here I am, this is the first time I have ever shared this with a group of women. I have praying that it helps each of you in some way. I have allowed God to choose what he wanted me to share. And would love to visit with, probably cry with anyone that might need that.
I went to bed that morning at 4:30. I woke up about 8 am. I was refreshed, renewed. I could not believe it I felt like I had lost at least 100 lbs. I was a changed person. Now not only have I dealt with my losses but I am thankful for them. You see I want to comfort and help those that have gone through this. I want others to know that when we have pain and anger and hurt we can come through it as long as we will rely on God. We CAN NOT do it on our own.
What I Have Learned About Grief
I am not an expert on grief, not by a long shot. But I would like to share with you all what I have learned. I have had several losses over the past 7 years. We first lost Jacob 03, Karley 04, my dad in 06 and my mom in 08. It really tends to pile up and overwhelm me when I think about it. The differences in each loss has a lot to do with where I was in my life, the age of those lost and where I was with my walk in Christ.
The most important thing to remember is that your feelings are yours and no one can tell you they are wrong. Don't bury them face them talk about them and let them heal. Nothing you experience is the "wrong way to grieve" and your "normal" will never be the same but you will gain a new "normal" in your life.
* Grief can be very lonesome. It can sometimes be all you have left of who you lost.
When I lost my babies I felt that if I let go of the grief then my babies would be lost forever. It took me quite some time to realize my babies would always be a part of me.
* Everyone grieves differently, especially dad's and mom's.
There were times that I thought that my husband was not grieving at all, that he was almost angry with me for not getting over it. When in all reality, I think he was afraid to let go because someone had to hold things together. It was actually about 5 years before I feel he really dealt with the loss of our babies. Just because he doesn't show it, doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.
* Your guy will want to "fix it" and he can't.
Let's face it we have known for years that men can tend to be wired as "fix it" guys. When there is such a deep pain and they can not "fix it" they have a hard time dealing with it.
* Keep communicating!
My hubby and I would lay in bed at night, in the dark and talk. It wasn't quite as emotional, couldn't see every single tear or look of pain. Even if it was one or two sentences, just acknowledge that you know it's been hard on each other. Be sure to thank the other person for being there for you, even if at times it didn't seem that way.
* We all grieve at different paces.
Don't be discouraged if it takes you longer to get through your grief. Don't feel like you have done something wrong if you don't grief as long as other also.
* It's okay to be happy.
I would have a hard time laughing, or being around people that were happy and having fun. Why and how could I have fun? It takes time but remember to give yourself permission to become happy again.
* Find a friend to confide in.
Having someone that you can talk to that you can acknowledge your feelings and make it real. Talking about how we feel opens us up to be able to heal. Sometimes you just want to vent, and you don't want to do it to someone you might hurt. So, a good friend can be a great sounding board. Allow yourself time to do this and remember that your spouse may need to be allowed to do the same.
* Name your baby.
This is something that helped me tremendously. We already had names chosen before we lost our babies, giving those names to them made them have a place in this universe. Some people don't feel the need for this and that is fine too. I enjoy being able to say, I had 2 more babies their names were…Jacob and Karley.
* Lean on God…Lean on God…Lean on God :o)
I don't know what I would have done without the my church family. Having a Christian sister that would cry with me, encourage me and pray for me, made all the difference in my life.
* Forgive
You have to learn to forgive those that say things that they shouldn't. They do not say it to hurt, they just don't know what else to say. They really don't mean it when they say, "Your baby is in a better place" ….
(WHAT? I'm not a good mom and don't have a loving home for my baby?) Not at all what they mean.
* Find a special way to remember your baby.
I found that when it came around time for their birth dates, I needed to remember or do something for them, for me. There are a lot of different things you can do here. Release balloons, light a candle, something I like to do is write out a birthday card with my feelings and what might have been had they lived. Then I keep these cards in a box. You may have pictures, or clothing or a blanket. It may be a sonogram picture or just simply a journal you could keep through your grieving process. (And if you do not feel you need to do this that is quite alright too)
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