Ballad of Gertrude Plunkett.

She was a lady of easy virtue

Gertrude Plunkett was her name;

Giving good value for money

Was her only claim to fame.

She lived with Big Bert from Barnsley

Six foot four with a left legged limp

Whose only visible means was 

Acting as Gertrude’s pimp.

She fell in love with Bertie Biggins

Who ran a market clothing stall

And for her Bertie Higgins she 

Was prepared to give her all.

She tried to change her management

And give Big Bert the dump

But not all nexpectedly Big Bert

Went and took the hump. 

It was daggers drawn time

Much to Gertrudes sad ire

For all she really wanted was

To follow her hearts desire.

She was quite worried

It would turn out rough

With lots of naughty words

And bouts of fisticuffs:

But it was decided quite amicably

And Big Bert set Gertrude free

After meaningful discussions

And a considerable transfer fee.

Now Gertrude’s the Lady of the Manor

Having discovered a commercial skill

Bertie has fourteen shops now

Much to his unexpected thrill.

Big Bert is back in Barnsley

With his money in the bank

And in his heart and soul 

He knows who he has to thank.

Gertrude Plunket retired hooker

Once a Lady of the Street

Dusts her Aspidistra and gives thanks

For  a life now simple and complete.

She’d been a lady of easy virtue

Gertude Plunkett was her name

Giving good value for money

Once her only claim to fame.