Announcer: Welcome to Deals of the Universe! We have a terrific offer for you folks today. Here's your heavenly host and friend to the end, Happy Pastor!
Happy: Hello, Hello, Hello! Welcome all of you and to our home viewers, thanks for tuning in! We have a great product today! Something everyone can use. Men, women, children. Your barber can use it. Your plumber. Your landlord. Even that waitress who gave you really lousy service. No soul is complete without it.
Joan: (Enters.) Well, just what is it, Happy?
Happy: Why, it's Joan Arc, everyone. Give a hand for my lovely hostess! (Applauds.)
Joan: Thank you. You are too kind. But what is this great product you are offering, Happy?
Happy: I can see you are excited, Joan, and you should be. What if I told you I had a product that would give you complete peace of mind?
Joan: Complete peace of mind? I don't see how that's possible. Is it a drug?
Happy: Drugs won't give you this kind of peace, I assure you. No, it's not a drug. It's not a supplement. It's not an herb, and, no, it's not even one of those protein shakes.
Joan: Well, what is it?
Happy: Not so fast, Joan. What if I told you this product's effects last FOR…EVER! That's right…only one application and this product will never run out, wear out, be out. It will never need replacing, refitting, rewiring, re-anything!
Joan: This just sounds to be good to be true. Where does it come from?
Happy: Well, you know we only believe in the finest and most natural products possible for the safety of our viewers. This product is an invention of the God Company, the same company that brought you the earth, the Sabbath, Eden, light, water, air, sunshine, and all the animals.
Joan: Wow! The God Company does have quite a track record with fine products like that so how can anyone lose?
Happy: You'll only lose here, Joan, if you don't take advantage.
Joan: Well, I still don't know what the product is but I want one! How about you audience?
Happy: Alright, I can see the suspense is killing you. The product is Salvation…this amazing product you can't see, can't taste, can't touch but you can still feel the difference it will make in your life.
Joan: Well, how does it work?
Happy: Well, it's really very simple. The founder of the God Company, yes, God Himself sent His only son Jesus to die for all our sins. All the things we have done wrong and feel badly about; all the things we lose sleep over, all these things and the burden they cause are wiped out by the death of Jesus.
Joan: Well, how do we get this Salvation?
Happy: Well, Joan, how much do you think we charge for a product that lasts forever and gives 100% peace of mind?
Joan: Well, a product like that can't be cheap. I'm gonna guess $300.
Happy: Nope, much lower than that.
Joan: Wow, this just keeps getting better. How about $200?
Happy: Still lower.
Joan: $100.
Happy: (Shaking his head.) Still lower.
Joan: Well, I'm outta guesses. I'm just gonna go crazy and say $9.95.
Happy: You are still too high!
Joan: No way. If it was less than that, you'd be giving it way.
Happy: As a matter of fact, we are. It's completely free.
Joan: Free!? How do you do that?
Happy: All you have to do is believe and love Jesus and pray to Him for forgiveness of our sins and you will receive eternal Salvation. And that's not all.
Joan: It's not?
Happy: No, you will also gain permanent membership in the greatest country club in the universe.
Joan: Really, what's that?
Happy: The Kingdom of God. Jesus has already prepared a place for your immortal soul. You'll be living with the great Man Himself.
Joan: That's incredible. Well, I'll take two then.
Happy: One is all anyone will need Joan! How about you fine folks? Won't you please place your order for Salvation today? Just place your hands together and your prayers will be answered!
