In my cabin I fought for a while
My conscience in a stranglehold, holding me tight.
My throat constricts, terror blinds me in my deadly plight.
Overwhelming panic controls me as I slip aboard the lifeboat,
Pull down my hat brim, and huddle deep in my warm woollen coat.
Quick to hide my feet beneath its copious folds!
High fashion, black patent leather, a pattern so bold!
Relief as I sit hunkered down on the bench.
Another like me!
But then I realize he is one in charge!
Strong manly arms set to oars,
Rowing like mad away from the threat of the undertow!
I could help him, but no!
I mustn't show myself!
So I continue to sit a deplorable, dishonorable, disgusting, but terrified cad.
Coward I am, I left them all to die!
Saving my own miserable skin, my reasons why!
But I can't bury those memories, the tortured screams of bodies all around!
Clinging onto frozen icy beams!
Their cries for help tore at my heart.
My soul was rent in half!
But what do I do?
Just huddle deeper into my long woolen scarf.
What help could I give?
They were obviously not meant to live!
What purpose would it serve for me to die too?
So tell me, all you accuse what could I possibly do?
More screams cry out in the frosty night, condemning me further for my cowardly flight.
Squash down your conscience you foolish pathetic man!
There was nothing you could possibly have done,
Instead be glad, you got what you wanted…
Life you have won!
But oh! What misery I feel, utter wretchedness overwhelms me.
As an eerie silence descends over starlit sea, frozen in its emptiness…
Silent!
Soundless!
Tears prick my eyes, surprised, who are they for?
Possibly for those souls who died?
Forever brave or is it for yourself who's miserable skin was saved?
Hypocrite!
Coward!
I am both of those!
No valor, not brave, no gentleman am I…
To have left so many to die!
I sat watching them urging loved ones into those boats.
So pitifully small only to stand back so proud,
So afraid, yet so immensely tall, knowing they were to die!
Watching their women cry!
Whilst I sat huddled deeper within my coat.
Fear gripping me, so terrified I'd be found but at last they have lowered the boat…
Seaward we are bound!
I've survived, but at what cost?
For I know now that night my conscience was lost!
I can no longer live with my guilt because a myriad of eyes condemn me and all I have built.
How could I, a coward, continue to live when so many brave ones died?
What right had I so cowardly to hide?
So now I'm going to do the decent thing an end to my existence I shall bring!
A gun to my head, a swift final blow…
For that is the coward's way I have chosen to go.
Jayc
