It was only natural for me to want to be in my computer class every day instead of being an aid for Coach Millie-Millie when I found out that he was in here. I mean, he is an aid when I have my computer class and even if he never notices, I ALWAYS stare at him. He has evidently moved on but me? I am forever stuck in living in the past, hoping that one day he will remember how much I cared about him and how much he meant to me. Until then, I am stuck sitting one computer down yet always a world away from him…
The love we shared, well, at least the love I shared was magical, in a sense. A little voice inside my being quietly whispers"hold on", because my resolution is just around the corner and all the while, I hear a strong voice inside my heart saying "let go, move on". So which should I listen to and trust? Should I stay stuck inside my fantasy, hoping that one day I will kiss him and he will morph out of that frog-like state and turn out my knight-to-be? On the other hand, should I give in to the fact that he will never notice me because of my insecurities and how I am only the person I know how to be?
I knew he was a beautiful disaster when I first got involved but I told myself that I could change it…and I guess I was dumb to believe that I could make something out of someone when they are content in being themselves…and now I want to hate him, that's just how much I love him. Never did he tell me that he would be there to catch me when I fall…I guess I thought that it was implied amongst his little white lies. I thought that my love would be enough to steer him away from his Desperado lifestyle and in doing that, I only became one of his ‘lost lovers', grasping at straws, trying to fix something that was never broke in the first place, but merely disfigured to his liking.
NO commitment whatsoever…I did not ask him to choose me because I was foolish enough to think that he would. Now I am sitting here, a computer/world away, wishing that I had not gotten myself involved. Either that or I should not have been so attached.
He played on my weaknesses. I let him see me in my entirety…not realizing that he would pierce my soul and be apathetic about seeing the blood. It was as if he accidentally missed catching my heart…on purpose. Perhaps he thought that if he pretended as if he did not see, then the truth would not exist and he could be let off the hook and would not have to face his conscience. I don't know if he takes blame or not but I do know that if he doesn't think about me from at least time to time, then he isn't worth all of the sweat, tears, and time that I have given him whether he knows about them or not. Sadly still, even if that is true, I cannot let him go. He is forever a part of me and will always be…
And to think, instead of pouring my heart out on this page, I could be running errands for Coach Millie-Millie…
