I need to talk. However, when there is no one to listen, what is the point of expressing my opinions? Okay, so there are a few people who will literally "listen", but they will not truly hear me. Sometimes I wish I just had that one "go-to" who would really listen and not judge me for my thoughts. However, no, the "go-to" I have is well read. He believes that using the concept of "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" is the perfect way for him to be the "good guy" in my eyes. However, if he would have read the book correctly, he would understand that my mind goes beyond the suggestions inside a book on how to understand the opposite sex. I want someone who truly cares about what I have to say…not someone who pretends to care and knows how to reproduce my words like a tape recorder. Sadly, he thinks that this will suffice…
But what happens when I'm dealing with real-life situations and I need someone's honest opinion not just a playback of what I just said? What happens when the lines of communication get so twisted that we're lost in translation because I've told him what I feel about him and instead of letting it sink it, he categorizes it as just another episode of me babbling? What happens when I tell him that I'm contemplating life altering decisions like taking my own life and he doesn't say anything when my voice only comes through as white noise?
Suicide... Who needs it? I have already died a million times and I know that I will die a million more. With each new failure I DIE. A broken heart, a lost love, wanting something I would never get, expecting something that never happened, being so close and yet so far away…I am forever dying. However, each new death makes my reincarnated self a bit stronger. My latest death was….ineffable but I will still try.
He was…everything no one could ever want and yet nothing someone would not want to have. Beautiful in everyway…admirable, tender, loving, caring, understanding, strong…EVERTHING. For a moment, he had me believe that I could have him all to myself. Until…I died. All the emotions that he produced only came from him being twitterpated. Oh, you do not know that word. Let me explain: when you first meet someone, you devote yourself to getting to know that person. You spend time with them more than anyone else does, you call them more than you call anyone else, you even think about them more than anyone else. For a while, that person reciprocates those feelings until the twitterpation has evaporated. Now, if you are still interested in the person even after you are no longer twitterpated, then the likely-hood of the two of you being truly compatible is that much more possible. That is how inexperienced people get love confused. They think that since they cannot get that person off their mind, they want to be with them all the time, and they are defending that person, then it must be love. But they are only twitterpated…
That is what he was. Now, having found out all that he wants to know, the desire to get to know more has stopped. Either that or he is pulling away as all men tend to do.
In any case, I am no longer the apple of his eye. Instead of getting off the phone with other people for me, as he used to do, he now tells me that he will call me back when someone else is on the other line. I know who that someone else is... He calls me his "mama". He once told me that while he was on the phone with someone else, I called and he told the other person that his "mama" was on the other line and they assumed that it was his mother. Just the other day it was going on 11:00 p.m. and he told me that his "mama" was on the other line. Did I ask which "mama" was it? No. I did not want to know. Sometimes the truth is more painful than being unaware of it all.
Sometimes, when I am with him, I pretend as if we are more than what we are. I know it might seem silly but it helps to ease the pain of reality. Sitting in his arms, watching a movie, you would think that we make a good couple. We are good friends and even better lovers but as far as the "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing goes, we struggle big time. It is like this: he is afraid of being in a commitment with me because his reputation is at stake. He would probably die if our secret got out to the public and people knew what they shouldn't. Afraid, so afraid, and yet he says he doesn't want to let me go. I, on the other hand, am afraid of being free. He likes the no strings attached concept whilst I enjoy being tied down to one person, and so, we struggle.
In the beginning, his concept was quite fine. I was not looking for a relationship and he sure as hell was not offering one. Now things are different. I am ready for something on the next level. I want someone who is all mine. You know, someone who is not interested in going out with other people, who has a wild side but a conservative heart. To him, everyone should be able to get some of his "good loving" but the way I see it, no matter how good it is, if everyone has had it, no one will want it. But I do not tell him when I think things like that. I try not to tell him any of my negative thoughts about his actions, behavior, characteristics, etc. because what I think of as constructive criticism or help, he might call trying to fix something that is not broken. Worst of all, he might think that I am trying to control him or corner him. Once that happens, I know he will be gone.
He is my Casanova, my Desperado, my Candle in the Wind, THE MARVELOUS…and unfortunately my beautiful disaster; and every time I look at what we have and dream about we could have had, I die once more.
).setAttribute('href','//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?sitename=dreamweaver&item=home');document['poetimage'].height='45';document['poetimage'].src='//poetrypoem.com/photos/poets/dreamweaver-button.jpg';;WriteLayer('ptitle',null,'TONIGHT');WriteLayer('ppoem',null,'Please, visit the site for the poem. The text on the Picture is not visible h<a href="//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?poemnumber=1350226&displaypoem=t&sitename=dreamweaver&item=poetry" target="_top" style="text-decoration:none;"><font style="color: #18397C;font: 900 12px times;"> ... More</font></a>');WriteLayer('poetinfocus',null,'dreamweaver');WriteLayer('pdate',null,'2024-04-27')){kind=small}
dreamweaver
).setAttribute('href','//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?sitename=kuopenyung&item=home');document['poetimage'].height='45';document['poetimage'].src='//poetrypoem.com/photos/poets/kuopenyung-button.jpg';;WriteLayer('ptitle',null,'Stupidity and Calamity');WriteLayer('ppoem',null,'Stupidity and Calamity Madness can be contagious. Badness can be hardly reco<a href="//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?poemnumber=1282852&displaypoem=t&sitename=kuopenyung&item=poetry" target="_top" style="text-decoration:none;"><font style="color: #18397C;font: 900 12px times;"> ... More</font></a>');WriteLayer('poetinfocus',null,'kuopenyung');WriteLayer('pdate',null,'2018-09-18')){kind=small}
kuopenyung).setAttribute('href','//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?sitename=poetry2071&item=home');document['poetimage'].height='45';document['poetimage'].src='//poetrypoem.com/photos/poets/poetry2071-button.jpg';;WriteLayer('ptitle',null,'IM UP WIDE AWAKE AND PRAYING TO ==GODS== ');WriteLayer('ppoem',null,'IM UP WIDE AWAKE, PRAYING TO <a href="//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?poemnumber=1350217&displaypoem=t&sitename=poetry2071&item=poetry" target="_top" style="text-decoration:none;"><font style="color: #18397C;font: 900 12px times;"> ... More</font></a>');WriteLayer('poetinfocus',null,'poetry2071');WriteLayer('pdate',null,'2024-04-26')){kind=small}
poetry2071).setAttribute('href','//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?sitename=theinnerwoman&item=home');document['poetimage'].height='45';document['poetimage'].src='//poetrypoem.com/photos/poets/theinnerwoman-button.jpg';;WriteLayer('ptitle',null,'I Love You');WriteLayer('ppoem',null,'Yes, I love you. As a friend, time tested. As a mentor, companion and as an e<a href="//poetrypoem.com/cgi-bin/index.pl?poemnumber=1313752&displaypoem=t&sitename=theinnerwoman&item=poetry" target="_top" style="text-decoration:none;"><font style="color: #18397C;font: 900 12px times;"> ... More</font></a>');WriteLayer('poetinfocus',null,'theinnerwoman');WriteLayer('pdate',null,'2020-11-08')){kind=small}
theinnerwoman
PoetryPoem.com 