'Twas the Blackout Before Christmas

'Twas the blackout before Christmas and all through the house,
all Beecher was freezing I was drunk as a louse.
A storm knocked out my power and I no longer cared,
so I drove to The Northgate hoping someone was there.

I seen some old friends that I hadn't seen in awhile,
we cracked some jokes that made us all smile.
We toasted to Christmas and things were all great,
until Judy the barmaid said they were closing at 8.

So I walked over to Roma's for a pizza and drink,
and Mike said, "out of cheese" and I said, "that stinks!"
"But we have Black Velvet so no need to go."
So I sat at a table and I worked on my glow.

When closing time arrived I walked out the door,
I had a fifth at the house and I wanted more.
I entered my home and lit a candle for light,
and opened the bottle and settled in for the night.

I started to nod off but awoke in a dreamland,
with Santa beside me with my fifth in his hand.
With a wink of his eye he said, "drink with me!"
And took a big swig or maybe three.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
when up off the couch he suddenly rose.
He reached in his pocket and pulled out a sack
and lit up a doobie and said, "I'll be back"

Where he was going I did not know
when suddenly the Christmas tree started to glow.
The furnace turned on as did the house lights,
when Santa staggered back he wanted to fight!

The roach of a blunt he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He bobbed and weaved like he was Muhammad Ali,
his belly shook when he growled, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right grumpy old fart,
And I laughed when I saw him for his lack of heart;
We started throwing blows and he started to shout,
until a wild right cross knocked his fat as* out.

I know it's a story that is hard to believe,
and what made it worse it was Christmas Eve!
So with much worry and a little guilt too,
there was only one thing for me to do.

I checked his pulse and he wasn't dead,
so I walked outside and jumped into his sled.
And all throughout Beecher I delivered the toys,
to all the good little girls and boys.

I returned back home as Santa came-to,
and he said, "I don't know how to thank you."
He sported a shiner and wore a long frown,
and hugged me for saving Christmas for all of Buc-Town.

He said he was "sorry" for our little spat,
then he shed a tear and said "I wish I weren't fat."
"I just haven't been my ole jolly old self,
since the Mrs. left me for a red headed elf."

I told him, "I understood but don't be sad,
it was the greatest night I've ever had.
Life will get better you need not sob
now get out there Santa and finish your job!"

Then he smiled at me with a sh*t eatin' grin,
and said, "we may have fought but you didn't win."
He raised my stolen fifth as he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-FIGHT!"

Author notes: Beecher is a school district I grew up in that in affectionately referred to as Buc-Town by locals.

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