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                                                                                    Foreign Textures 

Beckoned by life’s desire magnetically she drew me in closer, feeling I held loving light within me and  possibility I could help heal myself and thus her. Her natural beauty and soft essence left me speechless.  She holds all that is and everything to come. She is the great Yin, the feared mystery within. Suddenly my once weightless spirit became completely filled by her breath, brought into the physical world until my death.

Little did I know my life would be filled with hardships, but if not, I would never have found her.  And so it began while in the womb a sense I was an unwanted spark.  Upon my first breath there was no welcome party, given to a stranger and left alone to cry in the dark. With no sense of time it seemed like an eternity and felt surely I was left to die.

 I was taken to a woman I would learn to call mother. it was our first meeting but acted like she didn't want to be bothered.  There was something missing in her touch I knew that much and when i looked into her eyes they seemed filled with disgust. Even as a young child the times spent she always had one eye on the clock.  Instead of love it felt more like it was her guilt she'd brought.

I never really felt her presence and once the time was up, being asked to stay longer made her distraught. Standing at the door she 'd raise her hand and act like she was flinging something off  that was attached  while saying " For the love of God your a bottomless Pit" turn leave and would't be back.  I'm not sure how I was suppose to feel except there had to be something in me l lacked.  

So many times left to struggle with emotions that weren't given the time to form as they ran rapid and wished had never to be born. To make matters worse a teacher filled with concern, comes to my home with bad news, I didn't seem to have the ability to learn! The visit would be something everyone knew but me, yet I noticed and I began to feel I was being looked at differently.

They kept it to themselves more or less putting whatever problem I had up on a shelf.  I spent  a lot of time wondering why no one had very high expectations,  not knowing the belief I may be retarded was already formulated . By the time I was diagnosed with dyslexia , the foundation that could help in my development emotionally had not been properly accommodated.

How is it possible to overcome what had never been given to do so, Not so much out of malice intentions, but with preoccupation and simply lack of prevention.  Without a sense of self yet fighting for my identity,  it seemed I had more of what wasn't acceptable much less wanted and for that there wasn't a remedy.

How much I wished I wasn't me to the point I became the judgments thoughtlessly projected upon me, making my path and purpose unclear to see. My choices were not well planned and find myself without fail ,inevitably land in some kind of mess. Some how I made it out intacted. although it could have behooved me to consider all the facts,  somethings wrong when the writing is on the wall and decide to go back.

Theres one part I havent given mention too. It's a bit puzzeling under my conditions, But I do have a predisposition. Not of the normal sorts by any means, yet one I never had to learn or aquire in any given course. I  will go into it further another time and date. What I will say finding a balance between opposites, much less have them relate, has been my lifes fate.

There is a reason earth has been called both heaven and hell. But few know as I hadn't myself,  Where exactlly does what we deny in ourselves, go? Are we even aware the coutless times and in different areas we reject ourselves or do we even care to know?. It's all sits within the depths of our beings. Denial produces judgments which leads our thoughts into believing.

So I sat in my body feeling more like an empty shell, yet overwhelmed with emotions I could not dispel,  As I looked among the ruble of what’s left of my life, I succumb to my broken heart, forced to live my future days without those whom taught me what love was and held so dear. something I always feared. Their absence explains the lack of having not used better judgment.

Once or twice I thought I had made it up and over my own self destruction. Surely I've come this far…Yet it was just a matter of  time I’d realize nothing had changed at all, maybe a new face and place or the sun reflecting more grey hair and new wrinkles I hate. but my inner state of affairs contained continued to be sustained and down i'd go in own disgrace. 

 Doesn't matter how the words were spoken, what the experience had robbed or the endless times left to feel forsaken. No one wants to hear how much inner turmoil or the suffering it’s caused, No one thought nor cared to look back to see the trial that laid me to waste, sealing my fate. And there I remained an unwanted spark and spend days at a time, in hell.

Swimming in murky water can’t see ahead nor below. My arms stretched out before me, running fingers across foreign textures. I was not alone as the dark was brought into light and what stood before me at first difficult to recognize. Then suddenly I realized it was all the lost pieces of me I had disowned.

The judged and misunderstood desperately clinging to what little they had left.  It was a family reunion of sorts. the ones I've longed for and found no trace over my lifes course …Tears of sadness in each one I faced. I held them in my arms with loving acceptance free to just be, what happened next to this day still amazes me....
I opened my eyes only to find my disowned pieces had melted back inside of me, No longer pushed away for feeling bad. Now when something feels bad inside, I know just beneath it something needs my attention waiting to be known and seeking to heal. Leading me back to why I was drawn here… to help assist  the 
emotional body of God...At last I am a wanted spark! 


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