Beautiful Disaster

Confessions of a Confused Lover

I lay awake
And listen
To your cries
As you battle
Demons
In your sleep
Tears fill my
Eyes, knowing
There is nothing
I can do
To take that
Hurt away
From you
And as I
Listen to you
I try to
Reassure you
Try to quiet
The terrors
Within your mind
So that you
Might find
Some peace
And a restful
Night
But no amount
Of soothing
Or soft words
Can take away
What you
So desperately
Hold on to
No amount
Of my love
Can ever replace
Her
In your mind
I know this
But I cannot
Give up on
You
I cannot
Stand the thought
Of losing you
I refuse to
Let you go
Even though
I know I should
I know I should
Let you go
So you can grow
So you can live
So you can learn
So you can forgive
So you can let go
So you can
Find happiness
Again
You say you
Found it
In me
But I can see
Your sad eyes
Without seeing
Your face
I can hear
The sadness
In your voice
When you
Think of her
The way you
Miss her
Even though
You know
She was
Unfaithful
You love her
And you always
Will
And some days
That is much
Easier to
Cope with
Than others
Knowing
That I will
Forever
Share your heart
With her
That she will
Always be on
Your mind
That you will
Always wonder
What your life
Could have been
If she had lived
If you had asked
And she'd said
Yes
And while maybe
I'm enough
Maybe I'm not
Maybe I'll
Never be as
Good as her
Maybe I'll
Never make you
As happy as her
Maybe
I'll forever
Be in second
Place
My momma
Always told me
Never to settle
Am I settling
To be your
Second place
Am I content
In knowing
That you love
Her
That you still
Think about her
Maybe more
Than you think
About me
Will I ever
Make you as
Happy
Or will I
Forever
Serve as tool
To forget her
Or to replace her
Because
I don't know
If I can do that
I love you so much
And I know
I know I
Should
Let you go
But I don't
I don't know
If I can
Because
You are
My love
You are
My first
Place
I want you
To be my
Everything
The way
She was yours
Ravish me
Be captivated
By me
Breathe me in
Every night
Kiss me
Good morning
I feel as if
You make
Everything
In our
Relationship
So big
And I can't
Help but wonder
If maybe that
Is your way
Of convincing yourself
That it is real
That your
Feelings for me
Are real
But what if they
Aren't
What if you
Are wrong
I know you
Don't want to
Hurt me
So you might
Try to stay
With me
But those
Relationships
Never work out
If you don't love me
I wish
You would say it
So I could stop
Myself
From loving you
Anymore
Although
I doubt I would
I doubt I could
At this point
I have given you
Everything
Except for
Myself
And I plan
To give you
That
So before I do
Please tell me
Tell me if this
Isn't real
You may
Think you are
Protecting me
By keeping it
To yourself
But you are not
You are only
Prolonging
The inevitable
Which will
Hurt more
I love you
And I would
Do anything
For you
Including
Give you up
Or give you space
Or time
So that you
Could know
But you
You are too
Stubborn
To accept
That you might
Be wrong
And that you
Don't know best
And I tried
I tried so long
To fight it
And do the
Sensible thing
But I could not
Resist you
From the
Beginning
From the first
Moment we met
I wanted you
But you were
Hurting
You needed
Support
That I was
Willing to offer
But what happens
When you no longer
Need that support
Will you
No longer need
Me
I just wanted
To help
But I made the
Mistake
Of falling in love
And I hurt you
And you hurt me
Too
We both
Are so very
Broken
Was it foolish
For me to think
That we could
Ever work
With you there
And me here
And neither of us
Where we need
To be
Or is it fate
Is it god
Intervening
To bring us both
The happiness
We long for
I pray
And ask for a sign
Every night
But then
I take it back
Because I know
If god set up
A neon sign
I'd ignore it
If I didn't agree
And I don't know
What to do
With us
And I don't know
How to say this
How to ask these
Questions
Without upsetting you
I never want to
Upset you
And yet
I do so often
Is that healthy
You always apologize
I have waited
So long
It's felt so long
Waiting for
Someone
Like you
To come into
My life
And fall in love
With me
And now you are
Here
And the world seems
To be saying
That I just
Don't deserve
That kind of love
That the only
Love I can muster
Is the fake kind
The kind where
Men pretend
To be boys
To win the hearts
Of girls
Who want
To be loved
Where girls
Allow themselves
To be
Manipulated
Just to feel
Love
They say
Its wonderful
But I'm not sure
I agree
So many people
Die
From love
How wonderful
Can it really be
And yet
I would do
Anything
For you
For your love
And I will
Do anything
To keep it
Including
Never
Telling you
Any of these fears
That might
Make you doubt me
And yourself
But well I know
That the happy
Life we dream
Of having
Is such an
Unlikely dream
Either you will
See me in my
True form
Or you will
Realize you never
Loved me at all
That you will
Always be
Hers
And I will never
Be good enough
It scares me
Because I know
I have to wait
For you to see that
For yourself
And it could be years
Before you realize
And what if, by then
I've given you
Everything
I feel I could
Still have enough
Of myself
To rebuild
If you told me
Now
But if you continue
To falter
And I continue
To support
And I continue
To give you
Little bits of
Myself
Than soon enough
I will have nothing
Left to stand on
You will have
All of me
And want none
Of it
How dark that
Day, that looms
The day you
Realize
None of it
Was ever true
I hope it never
Comes
But I fear it could
And you say
Those fears
Are me doubting you
I don't doubt
You, I know you
I know where you've
Been, and I know
You have barely
Begun your
Recovery
And maybe
I think, if I am
Here to support
You, then you will
Have to love me
But what if you
Realize you
Don't need me
Anymore
Where does
That leave me
I don't know
And neither
Do you
We are both
Wandering down
A dark path
With no
Visble light
Up a head
Not knowing
What the
Future holds
Do our paths
Continue to
Converge
Or when
Brought to light
Do they diverge
Will the world
Continue
To try and pull us
Apart
Will we stand
Strong
Or will we fall
Will we collapse
Under the
Pressure of it all
Honestly
I don't know
And parts of me
Nagging
Endlessly
For me to
Find out
Or
Get out
But I cannot
I could never
Leave you
For you
Possess
My heart
And I want
Nothing more
Than to be with you
Until
You no longer want me
And perhaps
That isn't healthy
But that is
How I feel
That I will
Stand by you
Forever
Until you realize
What it is
You want
And I hope
And I pray
That it's me
But I recognize
That it could
It might
Possibly
Not be




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