Two Parts - Part One
------------------------
What Do You See Then?
I'm trying to be honest and open,
And explain how it is for me,
Open my heart, make a new start…
On conveying what I am, what you see.
We've chatted of many things you and I,
And touched on things I've never divulged,
But you take the time to understand,
And offer your shoulders for me to indulge.
So here I am softly crying at 2.30am…
Setting my thoughts to rhyme,
And I know I'll send it to you,
Cos you're my friend so good and fine!
So here I am sitting thinking…
Of the kind of life I wish I'd had,
But too late for me, say's she…
For too long have I've been feeling sad.
We can't change what's past and gone,
And my future can't be altered,
For so long has she, been left forlorn,
As through life I have stumbled and faltered!
When I sit and think of my life before,
And the wasted years, on the pain it invokes,
It boils and rises in my throat...
And slowly, but surely it chokes…!
I'm not a self pitying person…
And I know what's ahead in my life,
Nothing alters, nothing's changed,
I will always run and hide from my strife.
So I'm sitting here thinking,
About the wasted years of my life,
And for them I cry an ocean of tears,
And for all the heartache, pain and strife!
What can I say, where do I start?
Where the hell do I begin?
Well really, it makes no matter,
Because I lost, I didn't win!
Therein lies a great daft heart,
But I was pushed and tossed aside,
And this lost love of a saddened woman,
For a past she has to hide!
It wasn't my fault, not at all,
And I will never take the blame,
For what happened to me wasn't fair,
But still I hide my shame!
Rejection at its finest,
Your self esteem hits the floor,
But I will NEVER be rejected again,
For now I know the score!
I ran from a past full of nightmares,
Pushed them to the recess of my mind,
And there they stayed, buried deep,
For the memories are truly unkind.
I'm sitting here crying softly…
Hating my past with a saddened heart,
So burdened am I, no wonder I cry,
Because I don't know where to start…!
I have my dreams and ideals like others,
But for me its over before it's begun,
The clocks been ticking away the good years,
And that time is over and done.
So I'm sitting here crying softly,
Trying to explain how I feel inside,
But all I can do, with a heavy heart,
Is keep running and trying to hide.
Now you know my inner thoughts and feelings,
More than anyone can ever know,
For the smile that's plastered upon my face…
Is sometimes put there just for show!
So I'm sitting here thinking,
About me and my life full of strife,
And the more I think, the more I'm sad,
Thinking of a wasted life!
I wish I were a stronger person,
Wished I'd had the courage to walk away…
A long time ago, instead of now,
When it's much too late in the day!
But I didn't so it's my own fault too,
I let the years roll on by…
What a wasted life I've lived,
It's no wonder it is that I cry.
What do you see then?
But that's a daft question to ask,
Because you see me, the real me,
The one without the mask!
So no matter what's ahead in my life,
Can't be any worse than before,
The only way is up from now on,
Of that I'm very sure!
Did this convey my feelings and thoughts?
Did I explain myself at all to you?
Try as I might, if I took all night,
I couldn't even if I tried to do!
I don't know how I feel myself?
I'm sad and confused you see,
No matter how I try to explain,
I can never make it what I want it to be!
I decided to write the words down today,
And one day I'm hoping to see…
Me eat those words, one at a time,
But I can't see that happening to me.
When the years have rolled by as they have,
When a person lives a life like I've had,
Knowing nothing of things today…
Sometimes bad only comes from bad!
So you see, I know how it is,
And I know how it's going to stay,
But I'm not worried or fretting,
I'm not wasting another day!
So no matter what happens in life,
No-one can take my smile,
This is I…the one you see,
And I'm capable of that one last mile!
I tried to put into words for you,
What I couldn't explain,
So in a nutshell, here it is…
I can't go down THAT road again!
Fear and naivety is a funny thing,
It eats at the heart of you…
Until all you have is an empty shell,
In that, you don't know what to do!
A day in the life of Catherine,
Written down in my own little way,
Set to poetry, as I do,
To try and chase the past away…
Once more I'm honest and open,
Again I'll try and explain so you'll see…
I'll open my heart, for I have my new start…
Now I'll convey how it is for me.
You're my friend, my rock and you're in my heart,
For this friendship is built on stone,
As solid as any foundation,
As long as we're friends we're not alone.
So here I am at 1.15pm…
Putting my words on a page,
To let you know how my life's turned out,
For I'm up there on life's great stage!
Once again I'm sitting here thinking,
Not for the past, but the future bright,
For it's ‘never' too late to make a new start,
From out of the darkness into the light!
No, we can't change what's past and gone,
But the future can be altered,
I stepped forward at last, got rid of my past,
And not one step forward I took was faltered!
When I reflect on my life, my past,
The wasted years the pain and strife,
It no longer boils, burns or chokes like a bile,
For its gone, I moved on with my life.
I'm not a person to be pitied!
That word's not in ‘my' dictionary,
I'm really strong willed and determined,
There'll be no more rejection for me!
I'm no longer ashamed of my past,
I accept everything in my life,
Everything happens for a reason,
For happiness, sadness and strife!
Where do I start, how do I explain?
About those wasted years full of strife?
For they weren't wasted at all…!
They helped me to grow and mould my life!
For years I was downtrodden and sad,
Blamed myself for the rejection and pain,
And now I know with all certainty,
It wasn't ‘my' fault, or ‘my' shame!
Within me lies a great daft heart,
And I hope I'm caring, kind and true?
If anyone needs help or support off me…!
There's almost nothing I wouldn't do!
And though I was thrown and tossed aside,
It was by ‘one' and not by all,
I have an abundance of love and friends around me,
And they never let me stumble or fall!
So though I was rejected and ignored,
My self esteem is riding high,
Confidence to the fore once again,
Now I'm happy and rarely cry!
So the nightmares of the past,
No more in the recess of my mind,
For my futures full of life and hope,
Happiness is what I'll find!
No more sitting crying softly,
I was determined to tell my tale,
To prove things can be turned around,
I turned it around determined to prevail!
No more the saddened broken heart,
More – a woman on a mission in life,
Determined, strong and focused,
I worked through my heartache and strife!
And though I'm a very shy person,
I'm full of confidence inside,
Marching always to the light,
No more running and trying to hide!
So did I covey my thoughts to you?
Do my words tell what I wanted to say?
What do you see, can you see the real me?
Can you see this strong woman today?
I decided to bare my soul,
Let you see inside my head,
I turned around all the bad in my life,
And hope it's taken as fact all I've said?
At last I've proved myself wrong!
Eaten my words as I said I would!
My saddened life took a better turn,
Even though I didn't think it could!
Well the years rolled on by,
Gone is the sad life and the shoes that I trod,
All I can say now – hand on heart,
I was lifted and carried by God.
For I couldn't have done it alone,
I had an angel to each shoulder,
And the invisible support I felt,
Made me the person today, stronger and bolder!
I said no-one could take my smile,
Its there for all to see…!
The one thing that's mine, and only mine!
No-one will ever take this smile from me!
I wear a mask no more,
The real me is on show at last,
Happy with my lot in life…
Forgotten are the horrors of the past!
I took that one giant step!
I walked that one last mile!
I held my head high, marched ahead!
I kept my smile, and I did it in style!
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