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Live with self-punishment
Live with self-punishment
Sudden bitterness comes to mind.
The everyday does not give more.
I wanted my peace back.
I am in revolt with myself.
And I'll shoot the lions.
I'm exploding every day.
So many disappointments.
I scourge myself with aggressions, and in this self-punishment I suffer my anguish.
There was no time for depression.
Perhaps with eighteen I rebelled, but they were on the perch of 2 children, increased the anguish, the sadness, and look I already treated, of course, one was a miscarriage, my first son or daughter, I do not know, I was only seven weeks old and 4 days, I blame myself today for leaving, it was a piece of me, that was private below in the hospital Our Lady of Lourdes, today St. Louis, then Gabriel at 2 years and 10 months, it consumed me too much. I have no peace today.
When Gabi got sick I got pregnant with Emmanuel, and I know why I fight for him, although I know he has many times to fight alone. It was a difficult pregnancy that simply affected my son. That's why I blame myself so much.
Today after so many years of dedication to SEE SP - Secretary of Education of the State of São Paulo, where I taught and dared to be coordinator of the schools: EE Prof. Dr.Lauro Pereira Travassos and EE Manuel Borba Gato, both from the South Board 1, never remember what I called incompetent colleague.
And now since 2012 - sick, where I spent a year between aphonia and vocal dysphonia, readjusting myself in 2014, I see that I am no longer useful, and this saddens me more and more.
I just wanted some peace.
Stop flogging me, stop somatizing everything to my body, and ruin me as a woman, as a human being, without telling, that I gave my best Education.
Also, I remember that I'm not sure at all, I always made mistakes and mistakes. After all, I'm not perfect.
But I wanted attention. I wanted to be useful, I wanted the world to have more justice and make the world a better place.
So, being, I wish all of you peace and understanding, because it is not easy for someone who has depression, to be ridiculed by others, and I know of some colleagues who are also depressed, and the worst those who are not, are perfect and competent too much, they make jokes, this is absurd, because if they are literate, so that they do this with whom it got sick? I'm tired, the mind today thinks of death, the friend we have to have in our lives.
Téka Castro, writer and professor of Chemistry.
Wicca. Environmentalist
São Paulo, August 9, 2018.
Contact: alegabema@gmail.com
Facebook: Writer Teka Castro
Live with self-punishment
