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Do you keep asking; what happened to you? What if I went ahead and told you? Would you judge me? Would you be my friend anew or turn away as you withdrew? Onward through, let's explore I bet I'll be alone once more...
Twenty thousand and one, that's when my descent into hell had begun. Young and having fun, I wasn't looking for anyone. Sure he caught my eye, the gun I didn't spy. Brought out on the dance floor, I couldn't see anyone anymore, just him. He called to ask me for a chance. God, I wish I'd had a forward knowledge or glance. It was like being under a 6-month trance or spell, it all went too well. There was passion, love, and desire on both sides, almost like an all-consuming fire. Nothing like it has my heart ever host before nor after.
The control and isolation I didn't see, never even felt the urge to flee. Slowly being poisoned like radiation, by the time I wanted to purge it was graduation. On to being told I was lowly and weak, it didn't occur that help I could seek. Seeing the fight begin to escalate, on thin ice we start to skate. One and a half year in, I'm convinced I can't win, my face always a tear-stained in disgrace. I gave what I got, but being so small, I took every fall.
Two-year mark it's time to embark, on two the final things that left me like this. Here I wish to dismiss every memory, send it all away on vulture wings. The harsh kiss of reality drew near, now I learn true fear. The names and insults, I walk through like a cold winter marsh. My head in my hand still I stand by his side, for no reason other than love I abide. In every season I always had his back, in return for my job I caught so much flack.
To grow my bankroll I travel, I want out and he can see this all start to unravel. After work, I go back to my room, somehow I felt the impending doom. Seventeen hours at the end of a 45 I did survive, held to my head next to the bed. Let me make it clear, I may have sounded strong but I wasn't all along. Dear God, I prayed nothing I did mattered or swayed. Just when I should have splattered, it jammed and a fight played out. Right there and then I decided I'll never trust anyone again. I'll train to defend as soon as I'm on the mend.
Now it's five months later, he slit my wrist like a tater. I'm told it's my fault because I fought back to halt the blade coming at my face. Now I carry a scar thin as lace. I was caught and punishment severe, locked in a room where I can't help smelling the fume. Four long months I was there, to my knowledge no one knew to care about the beatings I'd bare.
Wrong and responsibility are on both our part, that I accept and this is my secret well kept. As I laied every night and wept, a wall building so my heart and soul, I kept. No one can fully reach it, not even me. So how will anyone ever teach me? Wow, is it a chore to earn my trust, but I'm re-learning, it's a must.
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