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For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid to die,
the loss of this world I know, all those in my life.
Always trying to be careful, well for the most part,
I've been reckless before, but nothing that would stop my heart.
In the past, afraid of many things out of my control,
like home invasions, or getting car jacked as I roll.
So, I have been vigilant, always aware,
doing my best to protect us both, on high alert everywhere.
This world is beautiful, but is also full of danger,
people do stupid things, daily road rage shootings in anger.
When COVID hit, I was extremely scared,
convinced if I caught it, I would be dead.
Thanks to the media, inciting additional fear,
I was concerned about our future, and if I would be there.
But now I understand where that fear came from,
I always enjoyed life, but with you it was pure love.
I had a great desire to see what our future holds,
building our life, taking you as my wife was the ultimate goal.
Laid back in nature, just enjoying our scene,
on top of the world, I felt like a King with his Queen.
Always thinking about our future, fantasizing about that day,
you dressed in white, walking towards me holding your bouquet.
I lived for those moments, although you would never know,
hopeless romantic at heart, wanting happily ever after from the shows.
From books to movies, television, and fairy tales,
all of it told me it was possible, then for some reason it failed.
I tried to be your knight, and I believe at one time I was,
but for some reason, you began to fall out of love.
Now that loss has devastated my life,
unable to determine what still drives me inside.
I no longer find pleasure in the things I used to do,
maybe because those things all remind me of you.
No reason to protect myself, or keep guard of my heart,
I've lost what I loved most, my life has now gone dark.
A dense cloud hanging over, flooding me with unyeilding pain,
coming down so heavy, a fully saturating rain.
Everything is dripping with tears, salty with emotion,
the storms cloud my vision, and I can't see where I'm going.
My umbrella is full of holes, and I am now soaking wet,
surely this is the worst that my life will ever get.
I try to keep my head up and fight through the pain,
but knowing you are gone, I just don't feel the same.
The chances are there, but they are very slim,
maybe it will happen naturally, bringing forth my end.
A bee sting while mowing the yard, into anaphylactic shock,
no one around to call for help, before the reaction stops my clock.
Maybe a home invasion, I'll leave my pistol in the drawer,
shot by a group of robbers, after they kick in my door.
Maybe I'll go on a bike ride, and after looking both ways,
hit by an unseen vehicle, the end of my days.
I know it is very dark and sad, and maybe tough to hear,
but without her here, I have nothing left to fear.
Not that I'll go looking for it, that is not my game,
but I feel different inside now, no future plans to maintain.
I will miss her forever, never have I loved anything more,
So, when death comes knocking, I am now ready to answer the door.


Original Work by: Shawn A.


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I Used To Live In Fear