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Residual Hell

From the outside looking in, all seems well.
Close friends know there is trouble, but no one else can tell.
I don't freely offer, but those who know me, know that something is wrong.
One look and you can see that my fire is out, my passion is gone.
I'm afraid I no longer believe in true love, or maybe even love at all...
How can fourteen years turn into just memories, that I grasp at during my fall?
How am I to believe that somehow everything will be okay?
Do I put my faith in tomorrow, and prepare for disappointment either way?
Hope for the best, but quietly expecting the worst?
Skeptical of love, a cynic of everyone's motives first?
Do I lower my expectations, and just know I'll be let down?
Forget finding my queen, I have chosen to forfeit my crown.
But don't worry, I never had any followers, my kingdom is empty,
just me on my broken down throne, everyone else already left me.
There is no one to keep me company, no one to make me laugh,
no one to share my day with, no one with whom I share a past.
Instead, I am alone, waiting for the end,
stuck in a time loop, replaying my heartache over again and again.
My own personal Groundhog Day, waking each morning back in hell,
unsure of how I got here, but ready to kill Punxsutawney Phil.
Anything I can do to bring an end to this tragedy,
afraid each day of my life will start by asking why she left me.
Unfortunately, I believe that I can now answer that for real,
there was someone else, and she liked how he made her feel.
That special tingle, butterflies in her stomach,
the same way I used to make her feel, back when we were younger.
I told her before that the feeling doesn't forever stay,
it's due to unfamiliarity, a new touch...and it will leave again some day.
When it does, we have love, strength, and have thoroughly enjoyed our past,
shared experiences, interests, we have built a strong foundation that will last.
We never have had any problems, we both treated each other very well,
I simply adore you in every little way, just in case you can't already tell.
You are my sunshine, the brightest, most desirable aspect of my day,
I really do love you more than anything else, in every possible way.
Fourteen years in and my heartbeat still rises whenever you enter the room,
I can't even control myself, I always want to grab and kiss all over you.
At least that's how I feel, but I know that you don't...
I begged you to stay and work on it together, but you simply won't.
So day after day, I wake alone and in my residual hell,
body aches from the internal torture, but again, no one can tell.
Aleve is no longer strong enough, I rely on self medication,
but don't worry, it's all in the interest of self-preservation.
Every time I don't, my nightmares are wicked,
typically very frightful, and I am usually a victim.
The fear is intense, previously driving me to insomnia,
unwilling to sleep at night, because of the trauma.
So now, when I sleep, at least it is peaceful,
now it is just my days that are long and dreadful.
Stuck in a place that is a constant reminder,
that she is no longer here, and has someone else beside her.
That is just enough, to push me right back to the edge,
a careful balancing act, between the living and the dead.
I can't even imagine where my mind will go next,
a toxic mix of emotions that completely destroy my best.
My best intentions, my best thoughts, even my best memories,
an invasive set of thoughts that have taken over me.
All I have thought about recently is you another,
and it is causing me to question why should I suffer?
If this was your choice, then I believe you chose poorly,
I may not be the Holy Grail, but I'm also not boring.
I'm honestly not conceded, but I do know that I am rare,
I hope that you find happiness, but I don't think anyone else will compare.
You know I am different, and at one time, you really loved that,
unfortunately, you have made your choice, and you may never come back.
I really do hope that your happy, it just hurts me greatly that it isn't with me,
but please know that you with someone else, is something I can never ever see.
So, as we drift apart, when the day comes...and we never talk ever again,
please know that it isn't because I don't care, but I can't ever see you with him.
I am already in the lowest, darkest place in my life,
seeing this in any form, will surely end my desire to survive.
So, if you never return...I would ask of you just one last favor
never let me know anything about your someone new, and you can be my savior.
I'll keep holding on to that feeling, one that we held for so long,
that feeling you may have lost, but the love is never gone.
One day without you, I will not wake up from my sleep,
and that will be the best day, I will finally be at peace.


Original Work by: Shawn A.


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Residual Hell