*With kudos and apologies to my inspiration, poet and writer, Michael Ondaatje (author of "The English Patient")...for his poem, Elimination Dance:
"Elimination Dance is a sort of rogue-troubadour poem...based on those horrendous dances where a caller decides, seemingly randomly, who should not be allowed to continue dancing."
The girl who stole my uber-chic silver raincoat in the fourth grade
&~&~&~&
Men with handlebar mustaches
&~&~&~&
Anyone over age fifty who attempts to look cool in leather pants
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has urinated into a specimen cup for a friend's drug test
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has taken a photograph dangling a fish above their open mouth while sticking out their tongue with a sadistic look in their eyes.
&~&~&~&
Literary critics who are fascinated with the word, hyperbole
&~&~&~&
Women who shave their squirrels using a compact mirror from their Dusty Rose creme blush
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has engaged in heavy petting in the back of a school bus after drinking Natural Light
&~&~&~&
Barefoot soccer players who wear t-shirts of the British flag
&~&~&~&
Those who (while visiting a foreign country) have done business at a pharmacy and played charades to obtain emergency assistance for a jellyfish sting.
&~&~&~&
All who have flushed their orthodontic retainer down the toilet after praying to a porcelain god
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has gotten a TMJ attack doing sexual favors
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has surfed porn for the shoes
&~&~&~&
Anyone who thinks the labia resemble a lotus blossom
&~&~&~&
The scumbags who write their ex's names on bathroom walls in connection with the word swanky and a phone number.
&~&~&~&
Those who have complimented someone on their blue jeans and then told them they would look better crumpled at the foot of their bed (OH please!)
&~&~&~&
Poets who read poetry books in the bathtub at three a.m. by candlelight
&~&~&~&
Any woman over forty who drinks wine and sings any karaoke song by Judy Garland
&~&~&~&
People who wear glitter for a poetry reading
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has had the dream that they are descending a spiral staircase to make a grand entrance at a premier and discovers they are naked, much to their chagrin.
&~&~&~&
Anyone who uses the word "chagrin" in a poem
&~&~&~&
People who put their dentures in a plastic Motel Six cup with a tablet of Efferdent and a bottle of Evian
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has falsified a personals ad to mess with someone's head
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has accidentally duct-taped two body parts together
&~&~&~&
All the people who know how to conjugate dirty words in Spanish when it is not their native tongue
&~&~&~&
Women who bring blenders to a bridal shower
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has had a deep philosophical argument with a Jehovah's Witness when they ring your doorbell on laundry day.
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has been penetrated by a plumber and a beer bottle in the same twenty-four hour period
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has dated a man with a life-sized cut-out of Styx's Mr. Roboto propped up beside his bar
&~&~&~&
Any university professor who is four feet tall and wears black leather thigh boots with a plaid mini and square-framed glasses
&~&~&~&
Anyone who has been subjected to a strip search by airport security for raunchy body piercings
&~&~&~&
Any college student who has smoked a joint through their nostrils
&~&~&~&
Those who have woken up eye-to-eye with an iguana
&~&~&~&
Actresses who have gotten their breasts shut in an elevator door
&~&~&~&
Men who have gotten stuck in a woman's bra while trying it on
&~&~&~&
Any person who cried while watching "Kill Bill"
&~&~&~&
All those who have been a character witness for a prostitute in a U.S. Court of Law
