Ward A1 was a busy place,
With people to and fro,
Barked at by the nurses,
Made to stay when you want to go!
Now Mary Mint was sickly,
Her 'bits and bobs' were sore,
She was feelin' nauseous,
And couldn't take no more!
So Doctor Mitty told her,
She had to have the operation,
He said when its over,
She'll feel total elation!
Now Mary Mint was iffy,
She'd had her bits some time!
And she would feel quite naked,
She wasn't feelin' fine!
But the doc' he did assure her –
It was time for them to go!
These haemorrhoids from hell!!
And the bunion on her toe!
Now Pat, the postie's wife,
Was feelin' rather ill!
She'd stuck her bum with glue,
Upon the windowsill.
So duster in her hand,
She shouted out for help,
And the potato man, Mr Ed,
Heard Pat scream and yelp!
Well he tried so hard, he did,
To prise her sore bum free,
But her knickers were stuck too,
And everyone could see!
So they brought her in to ward A1,
To see what they could do,
But they couldn't get the glue off,
No-one had a clue!
They sat her in an ice bath,
To soak her achin' bum!
All took turns to pick it off,
And just like that, it's done!
Now down the way in bed No. 9,
There was a Mrs Towers,
Who was sufferin' from flatulence,
Been in agony for hours!
But no fear, no worries,
The Matron was on her way...
With a big rubber tube and a greasy lube,
She'd discharge this one today!
Time went on and bed No.2,
Was gettin' so irate!
Poor thing, what a mess,
She was in such a state!
Known as Mrs Nosey,
She pretended to cut the grass,
But while listenin' to her neighbours,
She got stung in the ass!
The problem that she has is...
Her knickers are unreal!
She had a great big bum,
So her knickers were made of steel!
So the firemen were called in,
to try to cut them off,
But they slipped and sliced her rump,
when Mrs began to cough!
Now as you will have gathered,
This ward is for the 'rear!'
And believe you me, its iffy,
Something you should fear!
Now the surgeon for this ward,
The notorious Mr Mitty,
By the time he's finished,
All should be sitting pretty?
Except for Mrs Pip!
You should hear her squeak!
She should have had her tonsils out,
Just the other week!
But the surgeon got mixed up,
And cut the wrong end you see!
And now she'll never be the same,
Cos her bum's not as it should be!
So that is why I'm tellin' the tale,
Of how ward A1 used to be,
But alas it is no longer,
It's a public house you see.
Poetic justice you may think,
But the patients disagree...
Cos when they all shout, 'bottoms up!'
They all bloody flee..!
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