Sleepless mornings.

I've been up for 19 hours. Sleep nowhere in sight.
I've worked overnight and still can't sleep.
I'm exhausted.
But sleep won't come.
Crippling anxiety.
Depression feels like someone built a house on my chest.
I don't know if I'll ever truly feel ok.
Truth be told I'm not ok with this.
The distance feels unbecoming.
The silence is so loud it can't be ignored.
I'm not ashamed to say I tried to go back to my old lifestyle
Because I thought maybe she saw something I didn't.
You know, maybe she was right.
It lasted for all of 2 weeks.
It took me writing this just now to come to grips with this unhinged anxiety I've been living with
It's not a bad thing I can't return to that lifestyle
It just means I've grown.
It means there's still a chance to be better.
Can't be positive penny on the outside and negative Nancy on the inside.
I'm trying.
To be better.
This is picking yourself up from the bomb you made and blew up your home with.
From nothing.
It's gonna be hard to do alone.
It's gonna be tedious.
But I guess this is the path I've chosen.
Now I've got to walk it.
Whether it's with grace or shame.
This is where I learn to make better more conscious decisions.
Because a very foolish one costs you everything.
This is day 1 of acceptance of what is...
Acceptance of my actions and how they affected others in the worst way.
It's got to be ok this way.
You can't change the past.

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Sleepless mornings.